229 - The ubiquity of shame

The unconscious triggering of shame that goes on between all of us happens on an intra-personal, interpersonal, inter-family, inter-cultural, inter-racial and even on an international level and of course leads to conflicts of all kinds on every level.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

228 - Inner child work

One way of working with and healing shame feelings is to attend to the shame like a "good enough" parent would with their child. I sometimes think of our feeling life as our inner child who needs understanding, acceptance and compassion.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

227 - Another form of "up and out"

When we feel relatively smaller levels of shame we can say "Right now I'm feeling shame." and allow the feelings to rise energetically up from our abdomen and out of the top of our head. When I do this it reminds me of air bubbles rising to the top of a glass of water and dispersing. This probably sounds strange if you haven't tried it and it can be useful if you give it a try.
Peace,
Ken
www.kenlewiscounselor.net

226 - "up and out"

In general it is useful to think of what needs to occur with our shame as it needing to "come up and out" in some way and to be received with understanding, acceptance and compassion either by ourselves or others. The shame can be allowed to "come up and out" with words, or tears or writing.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

225 - Sharing shame feelings

It's important to our healing of shame that we be less alone with it. These feelings need to be shared in a way that is more than mere reporting. Both the speaker and the listener need to be able to connect to their shame feelings.
Peace,
Ken
www.kenlewiscounselor.net

224 - Sources of Shame #9 - Needs and Emotions

When a child's caregivers are unable to notice, accept, and respond to a particular need or emotion of the child or if its needs or emotions are neglected shame will develop and those needs and/or emotions will become shame-bound. For example: If a child's need for touch is not responded to or if it is shamed, as an adult their need for touch will cause them shame and inhibit their having this need fulfilled. Another example: If a child is punished/shamed for feeling sad, as an adult they will be unable to feel sadness without its accompanying shame.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

223 - Sources of Shame #8 - Abuse

A considerable degree of shame results from abuse of all kinds. This includes mental/verbal abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse both overt and covert, and spiritual abuse. It is important to note that all abuse is very shaming whether a person is the direct target of the abuse or an observer of the abuse.
Peace,
Ken

http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net/

222 - Sources of Shame #7 - Our individualism

Gordon Wheeler talks about the individualist paradigm we are socialized to
believe in that was first created 3000 years ago in Greece. It posits that we
are separate beings and we should be able to handle things ourselves.
Therefore, if we can't handle everything ourselves there is something wrong with us. This is a quite common
source of shame for us because the truth is we do need each other in many ways and
thus have a sense of failure when we don't live up to the unrealistic expectations of
our individualist paradigm. In this paradigm to need help and need others is shameful.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

221 - Sources of Shame #6 - Contempt/Disgust

The dad behaved contemptuously towards the son who was experienced as disgusting by the dad. The son learns to feel disgusted with himself and treat himself with contempt. No blame. Another transfer of shame.
Peace,
Ken
http://healingshameblog.blogspot.com
www.kenlewiscounselor.net

220 - Sources of Shame #5 - Judgmentalism

When we become judgmental towards ourselves or others we are feeling some shame, usually unaware of it, and are avoiding the recognition and feeling of shame by judging. This is another form of shamelessness which can work to relieve our feeling of shame only temporarily and leads to more shame.
Peace,
Ken

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219 - Sources of shame #4 - Rage

Rage is shame driven and also a sure source of shame. When I have raged in the past everyone around me felt considerable shame as did I before, during and after the rage attack. This is another way to transfer shame. No blame and there is a solution.
Peace,
Ken

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218 - Sources of shame #3 Blame

When we feel shame we can short circuit the feeling by blaming someone else or even ourselves. The blame also transfers the shame to others. We need to feel these feelings to heal them.
Peace,
Ken

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217 - Sources of shame #2 - Powerlessness

Many of us experience powerlessness on a regular basis, as children and as adults, which will trigger a feeling of shame. Whether it is powerlessness over alcohol, other drugs, other people, food and eating or not eating, gambling, rage, various sexual addictions, oppressive living circumstances etc. the feeling of powerlessness will trigger shame for most people. No blame.
Peace,
Ken

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216 - Sources of shame

Very little of the shame we have internalized over our lifetimes is a result of our mistakes and transgressions. Most of it comes from others' (parents, teachers, classmates, societies, etc.) shame being transferred to us unconsciously. There are myriad ways we have to shame each other without being aware of doing so. I'll write about some of the ways we shame and are shamed. No Blame.
Peace,
Ken

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215 - Shame is contagious.

All strong emotions, including shame, are contagious. We cannot be part of a group in which someone is feeling shame without our feeling shame as well. This usually occurs without our awareness.
Peace,
Ken

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214 - Voice of shame.

When the voice you are hearing, either internally or externally, is speaking to you without compassion and in critical and judgmental terms don't believe it. It is the voice of shame.
Peace,
Ken

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213 - Abandonment creates and also activates shame

One of the many sources of shame for us both as children and adults is physical and/or emotional abandonment. When we distance ourselves from our loved ones we are creating shame for them and perhaps triggering their old abandonment shame. No blame. Normally they will transfer the shame back to us with their own language/behavior of shame. No blame and mostly without awareness. And on and on.
Peace,
Ken

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212 - Our language/behavior.

Are you able to identify your own language/behavior of acceptance/reception and your language/behavior of shame? No blame. I encourage you to give it some attention and awareness.
Peace,
Ken

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211 - What's normal?

Most interpersonal relationships and interactions, especially within couples, include some combination of the language/behavior of acceptance/reception and the language/behavior of shame. Doing shame work diminishes the language/behavior of shame. You will find some suggestions for doing shame work in posts #195 to #206.
Peace,
Ken

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210 - A choice

We have a choice between becoming more aware of our shame which enables us to feel it more, heal it more, and experience the freedom and self-acceptance that brings; or we can live in denial of the unwarranted, internalized shame woven throughout our lives and continue to struggle with our addictions, relationship problems, anxiety and depression, and self-hate, etc..
Peace,
Ken

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209 - "Two lost souls"

When we use, consciously or unconsciously, any of the avoidance mechanisms Iisted in my post #205 we will activate/trigger shame in other people. They will in turn transfer the shame back to us with one of the avoidance mechanisms and on and on it can go. I call this "two lost souls" triggering each other and it's no-ones fault. Although we are all responsible for our selves, our feelings and actions, there is no basis for blame in my view. When I blame someone it is always when I feel shame and then they will often feel shame and थेंblame.

Peace,
Ken

Instructions posted between #197 and #198.

208 - Shame about shame.

We have been taught to feel ashamed of our shame by the degree of silence on the subject. Silence makes the word and feeling unspeakable. I use the word shame alot partially in order to normalize it and to take the shame from the word and feeling of shame. It is a perfectly normal and natural part of our feeling life. It becomes a problem with the large amount of shaming that goes on along with the fact that we were conditioned to suppress feelings without sufficient support ie., understanding, acceptance and compassion for our feelings. Again no blame.
Peace,
Ken

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