Monday, August 31, 2009

250 - Shame-bound need to nurture others.

As children we sometimes wanted to nurture someone else, parent, etc.. If these attempts to nurture were repeatedly met with rejection, ridicule, and shame the need to nurture would in time become bound up in shame and as adults we would have great difficulty nurturing others because shame would be a barrier to doing so. In this case even to feel the desire to nurture another person would trigger shame for us.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

Sunday, August 30, 2009

249 - Sharing shame.

It helps a person to share shame with someone who is comfortable with and accepting of their own shame because when we share shame it will be felt by the listener. If the listener is not accepting of their own shame they are likely to unconsciously transfer the shame back to the sharer. One way to transfer the shame back to the sharer is for the listener to try to fix the sharer.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

Thursday, August 27, 2009

248 - Neuroplasticity.

Brain research in the past 15 years has shown with certainty that our brains continue to grow new neurons and can repair old neurons throughout our lifetimes. This ability is called neuroplasticity and is another reason why shame healing work can take place.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

247 - One way to speed up your healing process.

In learning how to identify and acknowledge shame out loud we begin to take away some of its power. We can learn how to identify more of the shame in our lives and in others lives by reading shame material five minutes a day and talking about it with others who are also interested in healing shame. A list of books focusing on shame is on my website.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

Monday, August 24, 2009

246 - Responsibility not blame.

A long time ago a man told me "Responsibility essentially means response ability or the ability to respond". I had thought it meant that "it" was my fault and I would blame myself or the other person etc.. Blaming is a strategy, mostly unconscious, to avoid feeling shame when it is triggered and is always a tip that we are feeling shame. Blame is a barrier to our taking responsibility and a barrier to healing our shame.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

Sunday, August 23, 2009

245 - Another chance.

More often than not when we experience a shame attack or a shame spiral today it is usually from old shame wounds that we were unable to process as children because we didn't have the tools or the support to do so. The emotions can be as strong as if the original wounds were occurring in the present because our brains (old neural pathways) can't "tell time". We can learn today how to get the support and the understanding, acceptance and compassion necessary to heal these old shame/hurt feelings.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

Friday, August 21, 2009

244 - Perfectionism

Perfectionism is learned as a child. When a child brings home an assignment he did for school and was graded a particular way and feels proud of it and is met by their parent who responds with "But it's not an _____ grade", the child is shamed and learns that he must earn his parents' acceptance and pride by his external accomplishments that never measure up. Perfectionism is an attempt to measure up to some undefined standard, to gain acceptance and avoid shame, that never works. The child never develops an internal sense of how much is good enough. As a result the child can never enjoy the needed self satisfaction from the parent or themself. In healing our old shame we can become more immune to the dictates of perfectionism and gain self-acceptance.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

243 - Developing a new pair of glasses to see shame.

Many interpersonal interactions include some combination of the language and behavior of belonging/acceptance/reception and the language and behavior of shame. Check it out. Greater awareness brings more choice.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

242 - One way shame occurs.

Gershon Kaufman writes that shame occurs where there is a break in the "interpersonal field". This has happened most powerfully for me when I believe I have hurt someone's feelings by mistake and I feel the gulf/break between us. At times I have felt desparate to repair the break in the interpersonal bridge between us.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

Monday, August 17, 2009

241 - Transferring shame

In any of our relationships that have recurring conflict and shame/hurt/anger in them we are both the unwitting, unconscious "creators" and the "victims" of these painful, shaming interactional cycles. In these troubled relationships, without knowing it, we transfer shame back and forth. No blame.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

Sunday, August 16, 2009

240 - Awareness brings more choice.

Most of the time when we trigger each others shame, we don't do it intentionally and we do it without awareness. As we focus and bring more awareness to shame we begin to have more choice about transferring our shame to others. Although we are not to blame, we are responsible for our feelings and behavior.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

Thursday, August 13, 2009

239 - A tool for healing shame

If the voice in your head is judging or blaming you or anyone else you can be sure that you have had shame triggered internally or externally and you are feeling shame at that moment. Practice separating the bodily sensation of shame from the words of judgment and criticism that seem to come with it. Put the words associated with the shame off to the side on a shelf you have visualized. Just let yourself feel the shame in your body without judgment and allow it to come up and out. Ideally share it with someone you trust. This takes practice for most people to be able to do but is well worth the effort for the freedom it affords. The judgments and criticisms are just introjects you were taught to believe a long time ago and are not about you.
Let me know if you would like to stop receiving these emails. Just reply with Please Discontinue. Thanks
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

238 - Normal shame becoming internalized

When a child's primary caregivers are unable to notice, accept, and respond appropriately to a need or emotion of the child, normal shame helps a child to pull back from the need or emotion for protection. If this happens often enough or is traumatic enough, the childs' need or emotion becomes bound up in shame and can be lost to the child.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

237 - The good news of recent brain research.

Brain research in the past ten years reveals that who we are today is formed or created at the intersection of our hardwiring and our relationships daily. Who we are is always evolving into someone new. The more healing of shame, self-hatred and fear we go through the more freedom of choice we have in determining who we will be. One choice we gain is to become our authentic selves who have always been there beneath our conditioning and unwarranted shame. We need the safety of each others understanding, acceptance and compassion to feel safe enough to go through the healing process slowly over time.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

Monday, August 10, 2009

236 - Silent epidemic

In a sense shame is a silent epidemic. It is woven throughout our personal and collective lives. It affects our self-esteem, self-confidence, self-acceptance, trust in ourselves as well as how we feel and think about others. In beginning to identify, acknowledge and speak of shame we begin to take away some of its power.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

Sunday, August 9, 2009

235 - Effectiveness in relationships

Learning about the shame dynamic and doing healing work can increase our sensitivity and effectiveness in relationships of all kinds.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

Thursday, August 6, 2009

234 - Recommended reading

I strongly encourage you to read 5 minutes a day from one of the shame books I've listed on my web site. I consider John Bradshaw's most recent edition of Healing the Shame that Binds You the primer for shame study and healing. Many of the books on that list are very good for a variety of reasons and for particular people and the Bradshaw book will give you the most inclusive perspective on shame and what we are dealing with in healing shame. If you haven't read it I hope you will consider doing so.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

233 - Awareness and shame

Awareness and shame cannot coexist for long. The voice of shame will continue to speak for awhile after awareness comes because it has the energy of our conditioning for generations behind it. Everytime it is recognized it gets a little weaker.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

232 - Healing wounds can happen

We were all wounded to one degree or another in our earliest relationships and that is when we were taught there was something wrong with us. It is in our relationships as adults that we can heal those wounds with the right kind of support that includes understanding, acceptance and compassion. This can happen. I promise.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

Monday, August 3, 2009

231 - Getting more needs and wants met

Growing up in a painful family/culture we needed to become desensitized to most of our feelings in our bodies in order to survive the various forms of abuse and neglect that occurred. Today we need to learn how to sense/feel our feelings in our bodies so that we can better know our needs and wants and increase our ability to have needs and wants met.
Peace,
Ken

The first sentence of yesterdays message should have read "When you notice yourself judging, criticizing or blaming anyone including yourself,-----------".

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

Sunday, August 2, 2009

230 - Ways to know shame is triggered.

When you notice yourself judging, criticizing or blaming anyone, you can assume you are feeling shame. It doesn't mean there is something wrong with you, it just means you've had shame triggered and it needs understanding, acceptance and compassion.
Peace,
Ken

http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net/