tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26796133959772352472024-03-13T07:06:46.626-04:00Healing ShameKen Lewishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16556704070951268634noreply@blogger.comBlogger173125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2679613395977235247.post-80040049777634579022009-11-18T13:42:00.002-05:002009-11-27T13:59:27.684-05:00Taking a breakHi folks, I've decided to take a break from writing the shame healing leading to self-acceptance emails, at least for awhile. It has been a difficult decision for me to make. I plan to keep this list intact and plan to resume some writing related to the same topic in the rather near future. As I've said before, if you want to stop receiving these emails just reply and tell me to take your name off the list. Many of you have expressed your interest in, appreciation of, and encouragement for these emails and it's been very gratifying for me. Thank you for all of that. The blog containing many of messages will remain available and may or may not undergo some changes.<br />Peace,<br />Ken<br /><br />www.kenlewiscounselor.netKen Lewishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16556704070951268634noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2679613395977235247.post-20467508165650565412009-11-15T21:10:00.002-05:002009-11-27T13:55:40.031-05:00295 - A coping and healing toolWe can take away some of the power of shame over our lives and our relationships simply by learning how to identify and name it. Sharing it with someone who is safe for you can help also.<br />Peace,<br />Ken<br /><br />www.kenlewiscounselor.netKen Lewishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16556704070951268634noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2679613395977235247.post-24798297582099518232009-11-12T21:08:00.002-05:002009-11-12T21:31:42.901-05:00294 - DisidentificationYou are not the voice of shame, you are the one who can be aware of the negative messages of the voice of shame and who can learn how to heal these feelings. Try responding to the voice of shame messages with as much compassion as you can muster. Our feelings, especially shame, have always and will always need compassion.<br />Peace,<br />Ken<br /><br />www.kenlewiscounselor.netKen Lewishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16556704070951268634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2679613395977235247.post-10423936465214383912009-11-11T21:46:00.002-05:002009-11-27T14:01:04.566-05:00293 - Support systemDevelop a support system, however small, who knows there is nothing wrong with you except you were taught in many ways to believe that there was something wrong with you. Our "problem" is not who we are. The "problem" is the shame feelings that were instilled in us and the shaming thoughts that we were taught to believe. No blame.<br />Peace,<br />Ken<br /><br />www.kenlewiscounselor.netKen Lewishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16556704070951268634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2679613395977235247.post-69894491195039608872009-11-11T17:21:00.002-05:002009-11-11T17:28:31.578-05:00291 - When you feel shame you have likely assumed it was about you and that there was something wrong with you. Most of the shame we have internalized and carried through our lives has been a result of someone unconsciously transferring their unacknowledged shame onto us through various levels and tyypes of neglect and abuse and emotional/physical abandonment.<br />Peace,<br />KenKen Lewishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16556704070951268634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2679613395977235247.post-74142344847919772012009-11-11T17:02:00.003-05:002009-11-11T18:42:37.753-05:00Fwd: 291 - Healing shame by sharing-----Original Message-----<br />From: "<a href="mailto:ken-lewis@kenlewiscounselor.net">ken-lewis@kenlewiscounselor.net</a>" [<a href="mailto:ken-lewis@kenlewiscounselor.net">ken-lewis@kenlewiscounselor.net</a>]<br />Date: 11/10/2009 21:27<br />To: <a href="mailto:ken-lewis@kenlewiscounselor.net">ken-lewis@kenlewiscounselor.net</a><br />Subject: Fwd: 292 - Healing shame by sharing<p>When we are sharing our feelings with someone and we are intending to heal those feelings, we need to stay engaged with ourselves and the other person in our telling. We also need the other person to stay engaged with us otherwise we will feel the need to repeat the telling over and over and over without feeling really received and heard.<br />Peace,<br />Ken<br />www.kenlewiscounselor.netKen Lewishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16556704070951268634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2679613395977235247.post-67891983986805711692009-11-11T17:00:00.003-05:002009-11-11T18:47:42.186-05:00Fwd: 291 - Transferral of unacknowledged shame-----Original Message-----<br />From: "<a href="mailto:ken-lewis@kenlewiscounselor.net">ken-lewis@kenlewiscounselor.net</a>" [<a href="mailto:ken-lewis@kenlewiscounselor.net">ken-lewis@kenlewiscounselor.net</a>]<br />Date: 11/10/2009 00:47<br />To: <a href="mailto:ken-lewis@kenlewiscounselor.net">ken-lewis@kenlewiscounselor.net</a><br />When you feel shame you have likely assumed that the shame was about you and that there was something wrong with you. On the whole this is not the case. Most of the shame we have internalized and carried through our lives has been a result of someone unconsciously transferring their unacknowledged shame onto us through various forms of neglect and abuse and emotional/physical abandonment.<br />Peace,<br />Ken<br /><br />www.kenlewiscounselor.netKen Lewishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16556704070951268634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2679613395977235247.post-47274285675957324252009-11-08T22:21:00.002-05:002009-11-09T10:09:54.955-05:00290 - When feeling stuckWhen you are feeling "stuck" or "uncomfortable" look inside and you will likely notice some unacknowledged shame. The stuckness will move and change if you can share the shame with a safe person.<br />Peace,<br />Ken <p><a href="http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net/">http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net</a></p>Ken Lewishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16556704070951268634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2679613395977235247.post-17377120020900593012009-11-05T21:24:00.002-05:002009-11-05T21:27:04.739-05:00289 - Daily reading on shameFive minutes of shame reading per day from the recommended book list on shame which can be found on my website is a great help in understanding and accepting shame and speeds up the healing process immeasurably. In a sense this reading provides a new "pair of glasses" with which to see the ubiquity of shame as it is woven throughout our lives.<br />Peace,<br />Ken <p><a href="http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net/">http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net</a></p>Ken Lewishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16556704070951268634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2679613395977235247.post-44062376939916133132009-11-04T21:33:00.002-05:002009-11-05T21:27:55.347-05:00288 - CompassionMy favorite definition of compassion is "to suffer with". We have all needed compassion from our important others and also needed to have compassion for others as well as ourselves. We need each other in order to heal shame. No blame.<br />Peace,<br />Ken <p><a href="http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net/">http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net</a></p>Ken Lewishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16556704070951268634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2679613395977235247.post-11977411510187690252009-11-03T21:46:00.002-05:002009-11-05T21:28:39.279-05:00287 - Shame is normalWe have been conditioned to feel ashamed of our shame and using the word can have a normalizing effect. It is important to make friends with our feelings of shame. I mean this in the sense that we need to feel our feelings in order to heal them. It is much easier to feel our feelings when they are met with understanding, acceptance and compassion, first from others then ourselves.<br />Peace,<br />Ken <p><a href="http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net/">http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net</a></p>Ken Lewishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16556704070951268634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2679613395977235247.post-29320621539216563392009-11-02T21:37:00.002-05:002009-11-05T21:29:24.082-05:00286 - What is underneath the anger?When we believe that the "problems" we have with another person are their fault, what we are doing is avoiding feeling our own shame/hurt by transferring the shame to the other by blaming them. No blame. The solution seems to be to allow ourselves to feel the shame/hurt under the anger. Blame destroys relationships and self-esteem.<br />Peace,<br />Ken <p><a href="http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net/">http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net</a></p>Ken Lewishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16556704070951268634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2679613395977235247.post-82302734403019236632009-10-29T21:23:00.002-04:002009-11-05T21:30:08.215-05:00285 - JournalingJournaling can be useful in the process of healing shame by externalizing feelings. Journaling can also help us clarify, process and let go of these new or old shame feelings.<br />Peace,<br />Ken <p><a href="http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net/">http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net</a></p>Ken Lewishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16556704070951268634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2679613395977235247.post-62339596470733710912009-10-28T21:18:00.002-04:002009-10-28T21:21:51.294-04:00284 - Need to feel feltWhen we share these difficult shame feelings with a safe other, we need to feel felt by the other. In order for healing to occur we both need to be connected or willing to connect with our own shame feelings. Our most difficult feelings need and always needed acceptance and compassion.<br />Peace,<br />Ken <p><a href="http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net/">http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net</a></p>Ken Lewishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16556704070951268634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2679613395977235247.post-25626194520298316672009-10-27T23:25:00.002-04:002009-10-27T23:35:12.997-04:00283 - Shame attacks can feel like a stormWhen we get caught in a strong shame attack one thing we can do is think of it as a storm and remember storms always pass. Practice just sitting with it without judging it or fighting it and you will be healing some shame. These feelings need understanding, acceptance and compassion from ourselves or other safe people.<br />Peace,<br />Ken <p><a href="http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net/">http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net</a></p>Ken Lewishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16556704070951268634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2679613395977235247.post-82662734364606485392009-10-26T21:31:00.002-04:002009-10-27T23:36:14.020-04:00282 - Shaming thoughts are interferencesIt is useful in this healing process to learn to discern the difference between our shame thoughts and our shame feelings which are bodily sensations. Our shaming thoughts come directly from our specific conditioning and these thoughts interfere with the externalization and healing of our shame feelings.<br />Peace,<br />Ken <p><a href="http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net/">http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net</a></p>Ken Lewishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16556704070951268634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2679613395977235247.post-35691636746215737272009-10-25T21:15:00.002-04:002009-10-25T21:20:25.946-04:00281 - Emotional abandonmentOur need for relationships with others in which we feel loved and wanted is a very basic human need. One strong source of shame is when a child doesn't experience this kind of relationship but rather one of emotional abandonment. This shame becomes internalized when the child has no way to process or share their shame and have it heard or accepted. No blame. This internalized shame makes relationships as adults very difficult. The process of healing shame will have the effect of improving our relationships.<br />Peace,<br />Ken <p><a href="http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net/">http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net</a></p>Ken Lewishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16556704070951268634noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2679613395977235247.post-15509997689388527022009-10-22T21:18:00.002-04:002009-10-22T21:27:35.225-04:00280 - Shamelessness is an avoidance mechanismDo you have someone in your life in whose presence you feel as if you don't measure up? Consider the possibility that your someone was taught as a child to defend themselves against (avoid) their shame feelings by presenting themselves as shameless. It is simply a survival tool some of us learned to use as children. Unfortunately shamelessness tends to trigger shame in others. No blame. Both you and your someone deserves understanding, acceptance and compassion.<br />Peace,<br />Ken <p>htt<a href="http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net/">p://www.kenlewiscounselor.net</a></p>Ken Lewishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16556704070951268634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2679613395977235247.post-42129401939897999012009-10-21T21:23:00.002-04:002009-10-22T21:28:36.692-04:00279 - Shaming self-talk can be stoppedIt is well worth the time and energy it takes to develop more awareness of one kind of self-talk that goes on. Self-talk that is critical, judgmental and self-shaming is a barrier to the healing process. The more awareness we have of our shaming self-talk the more choice we will have over stopping it.<br />Peace,<br />Ken <p><a href="http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net/">http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net</a></p>Ken Lewishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16556704070951268634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2679613395977235247.post-46301686092501295222009-10-20T21:55:00.002-04:002009-10-22T21:29:38.753-04:00278 - Darkness and LightI was reminded today of the power of our old, deep feelings of shame that we all walk around, unconsciously, carrying until something in particular triggers them hurtling us to our personal edge of darkness. I was also reminded of the power and beauty of a healing process that includes supportive human beings who bring with them understanding, acceptance and compassion gained from their own healing process. I hope you have some of those people with you in your life. I know you are some of those people.<br />Peace,<br />Ken <p><a href="http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net/">http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net</a></p>Ken Lewishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16556704070951268634noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2679613395977235247.post-84320177916371321512009-10-19T21:27:00.002-04:002009-10-20T14:49:22.750-04:00277 - Several states of shame and descriptorsSome words that describe a mild state of shame are uncertain, lacking confidence, insufficient, and unsure of self.<br />A moderate state of shame can be described with words such as overwhelmed, inadequate, immobilized, incapable, lacking, deficient, and incompetent.<br />A severe state of shame can be described as worthless, good for nothing, inferior, crippled, useless, bad, and failure.<br />Peace,<br />Ken <p>h<a href="http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net/">ttp://www.kenlewiscounselor.net</a></p>Ken Lewishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16556704070951268634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2679613395977235247.post-77085395709045943252009-10-18T23:34:00.002-04:002009-10-20T14:50:29.682-04:00276 - Our discomfort with the word shameShame is a natural, normal human emotion and serves us as a socialization tool. Our discomfort with the word shame comes from at least two sources. The first is that the experience of shame can be very painful. The second source of discomfort with the word is that we have been taught to feel ashamed of our shame and we have concluded that if we feel shame there must be something wrong with us. This isn't true but it does take time and work to change our brains and our minds about this.<br />Peace,<br />Ken <p><a href="http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net/">http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net</a></p>Ken Lewishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16556704070951268634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2679613395977235247.post-1329040758511953502009-10-15T21:19:00.002-04:002009-10-20T14:51:32.999-04:00275 - Sometimes it's prudent to postponeWhen we are feeling alot of shame it is prudent to postpone, if possible, making major decisions and having certain sensitive conversations. The shame feelings too easily disrupt our "being in our right mind" and make difficult our ability to make wise decisions and our ability to have important conversations without shaming others.<br />Peace,<br />Ken <p><a href="http://healingshameblog.blogspot.com/">http://healingshameblog.blogspot.com</a><br /><a href="http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net/">http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net</a></p>Ken Lewishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16556704070951268634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2679613395977235247.post-36529841504781294132009-10-14T21:41:00.002-04:002009-10-15T09:42:05.538-04:00274 - A goal of group counselingDevelop a safe group container that can facilitate the emergence, sharing and reception of old, deep, previously unconscious feelings of self-rejection and shame.<br />Peace,<br />Ken <p><a href="http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net/">http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net</a></p>Ken Lewishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16556704070951268634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2679613395977235247.post-27546004020077263452009-10-13T21:36:00.002-04:002009-10-14T18:26:41.021-04:00273 - Unconscious transfer of shameWhen parents use the unconscious defense of shamelessness, children will take on and internalize the shame the parents are defending against. No blame just a description of what happens.<br />Peace,<br />Ken <p><a href="http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net/">www.kenlewiscounselor.net</a></p>Ken Lewishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16556704070951268634noreply@blogger.com0