285 - Journaling

Journaling can be useful in the process of healing shame by externalizing feelings. Journaling can also help us clarify, process and let go of these new or old shame feelings.
Peace,
Ken

http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net

284 - Need to feel felt

When we share these difficult shame feelings with a safe other, we need to feel felt by the other. In order for healing to occur we both need to be connected or willing to connect with our own shame feelings. Our most difficult feelings need and always needed acceptance and compassion.
Peace,
Ken

http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net

283 - Shame attacks can feel like a storm

When we get caught in a strong shame attack one thing we can do is think of it as a storm and remember storms always pass. Practice just sitting with it without judging it or fighting it and you will be healing some shame. These feelings need understanding, acceptance and compassion from ourselves or other safe people.
Peace,
Ken

http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net

282 - Shaming thoughts are interferences

It is useful in this healing process to learn to discern the difference between our shame thoughts and our shame feelings which are bodily sensations. Our shaming thoughts come directly from our specific conditioning and these thoughts interfere with the externalization and healing of our shame feelings.
Peace,
Ken

http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net

281 - Emotional abandonment

Our need for relationships with others in which we feel loved and wanted is a very basic human need. One strong source of shame is when a child doesn't experience this kind of relationship but rather one of emotional abandonment. This shame becomes internalized when the child has no way to process or share their shame and have it heard or accepted. No blame. This internalized shame makes relationships as adults very difficult. The process of healing shame will have the effect of improving our relationships.
Peace,
Ken

http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net

280 - Shamelessness is an avoidance mechanism

Do you have someone in your life in whose presence you feel as if you don't measure up? Consider the possibility that your someone was taught as a child to defend themselves against (avoid) their shame feelings by presenting themselves as shameless. It is simply a survival tool some of us learned to use as children. Unfortunately shamelessness tends to trigger shame in others. No blame. Both you and your someone deserves understanding, acceptance and compassion.
Peace,
Ken

http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net

279 - Shaming self-talk can be stopped

It is well worth the time and energy it takes to develop more awareness of one kind of self-talk that goes on. Self-talk that is critical, judgmental and self-shaming is a barrier to the healing process. The more awareness we have of our shaming self-talk the more choice we will have over stopping it.
Peace,
Ken

http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net

278 - Darkness and Light

I was reminded today of the power of our old, deep feelings of shame that we all walk around, unconsciously, carrying until something in particular triggers them hurtling us to our personal edge of darkness. I was also reminded of the power and beauty of a healing process that includes supportive human beings who bring with them understanding, acceptance and compassion gained from their own healing process. I hope you have some of those people with you in your life. I know you are some of those people.
Peace,
Ken

http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net

277 - Several states of shame and descriptors

Some words that describe a mild state of shame are uncertain, lacking confidence, insufficient, and unsure of self.
A moderate state of shame can be described with words such as overwhelmed, inadequate, immobilized, incapable, lacking, deficient, and incompetent.
A severe state of shame can be described as worthless, good for nothing, inferior, crippled, useless, bad, and failure.
Peace,
Ken

http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net

276 - Our discomfort with the word shame

Shame is a natural, normal human emotion and serves us as a socialization tool. Our discomfort with the word shame comes from at least two sources. The first is that the experience of shame can be very painful. The second source of discomfort with the word is that we have been taught to feel ashamed of our shame and we have concluded that if we feel shame there must be something wrong with us. This isn't true but it does take time and work to change our brains and our minds about this.
Peace,
Ken

http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net

275 - Sometimes it's prudent to postpone

When we are feeling alot of shame it is prudent to postpone, if possible, making major decisions and having certain sensitive conversations. The shame feelings too easily disrupt our "being in our right mind" and make difficult our ability to make wise decisions and our ability to have important conversations without shaming others.
Peace,
Ken

http://healingshameblog.blogspot.com
http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net

274 - A goal of group counseling

Develop a safe group container that can facilitate the emergence, sharing and reception of old, deep, previously unconscious feelings of self-rejection and shame.
Peace,
Ken

http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net

273 - Unconscious transfer of shame

When parents use the unconscious defense of shamelessness, children will take on and internalize the shame the parents are defending against. No blame just a description of what happens.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

272 - A reservoir of shame

I visualize our internalized shame looking like a large reservoir inside us. When we are able to share these shame feelings with another and feel received by the other person the reservoir begins to drain. As it slowly drains we begin to experience the self-acceptance that has been beneath the reservoir of shame.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

271 - Reactivity

I've been thinking today about how destructive our reactivity can be to our relationships of all kinds, to peace of mind, to a spiritual life? We human beings, while we carry unwarranted shame around with us, struggle so hard to be "better" not believing we are perfectly imperfect the way we are. Reactivity is the vehicle and shame is the gasoline that fuels it. Healing reduces our shame enabling us to reduce our reactivity.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

270 - Acceptance

One source of shame is when we are feeling powerless and resisting that powerlessness. The paradox is that when we can accept our powerlessness over something, people, shame, situations etc. we can gain a degree of choice, freedom and healing of shame.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

269 - Getting what we need

We all were wounded to one degree or another starting in our earliest relationships with other wounded people. This was where we were taught to shame ourselves and others without our awareness. It is in our relationships with others today that we need to find the understanding, acceptance and compassion that we have always needed and too frequently did not get. How to do that is what these emails are pointing toward. No blame.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

267 - Challenging old messages as a way of coping

Chose at least one person in your life you can count on for support in challenging the old negative messages when they arise. This is best done if you can tell them exactly what you need to hear from them to challenge the old message. Ex. I remember one morning in Cleveland needing to call my wife asking her to tell me I wasn't disgusting. I had exposed more of my feelings the previous evening in a training program than I could support for myself. The shame disappeared as she told me the truth.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

268 - Just artifacts

Those old negative messages that come up are nothing more than artififacts from our past conditioning. They weren't true, they aren't true and they won't be true in the future. We were just taught to believe them. No blame.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

266 - It's never too late

Most of the shame in our lives is that which was internalized, unacknowledged and we disconnected from in our childhoods many years ago. Sadly this shame has continued to exert great power over our lives, our decisions, our relationships. Freedom begins to come with the first time and every time we can acknowledge these feelings and share them with a person who can "own" their own shame feelings. It is never too late to participate in the shame healing process. If you want to register at the shame healing community blog to participate with others on that level, let me know and I can help in getting you registered.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net