Taking a break

Hi folks, I've decided to take a break from writing the shame healing leading to self-acceptance emails, at least for awhile. It has been a difficult decision for me to make. I plan to keep this list intact and plan to resume some writing related to the same topic in the rather near future. As I've said before, if you want to stop receiving these emails just reply and tell me to take your name off the list. Many of you have expressed your interest in, appreciation of, and encouragement for these emails and it's been very gratifying for me. Thank you for all of that. The blog containing many of messages will remain available and may or may not undergo some changes.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

295 - A coping and healing tool

We can take away some of the power of shame over our lives and our relationships simply by learning how to identify and name it. Sharing it with someone who is safe for you can help also.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

294 - Disidentification

You are not the voice of shame, you are the one who can be aware of the negative messages of the voice of shame and who can learn how to heal these feelings. Try responding to the voice of shame messages with as much compassion as you can muster. Our feelings, especially shame, have always and will always need compassion.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

293 - Support system

Develop a support system, however small, who knows there is nothing wrong with you except you were taught in many ways to believe that there was something wrong with you. Our "problem" is not who we are. The "problem" is the shame feelings that were instilled in us and the shaming thoughts that we were taught to believe. No blame.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

291 - When you feel shame you have likely assumed it was about you and that there was something wrong with you. Most of the shame we have internalized and carried through our lives has been a result of someone unconsciously transferring their unacknowledged shame onto us through various levels and tyypes of neglect and abuse and emotional/physical abandonment.
Peace,
Ken

Fwd: 291 - Healing shame by sharing

-----Original Message-----
From: "ken-lewis@kenlewiscounselor.net" [ken-lewis@kenlewiscounselor.net]
Date: 11/10/2009 21:27
To: ken-lewis@kenlewiscounselor.net
Subject: Fwd: 292 - Healing shame by sharing

When we are sharing our feelings with someone and we are intending to heal those feelings, we need to stay engaged with ourselves and the other person in our telling. We also need the other person to stay engaged with us otherwise we will feel the need to repeat the telling over and over and over without feeling really received and heard.
Peace,
Ken
www.kenlewiscounselor.net

Fwd: 291 - Transferral of unacknowledged shame

-----Original Message-----
From: "ken-lewis@kenlewiscounselor.net" [ken-lewis@kenlewiscounselor.net]
Date: 11/10/2009 00:47
To: ken-lewis@kenlewiscounselor.net
When you feel shame you have likely assumed that the shame was about you and that there was something wrong with you. On the whole this is not the case. Most of the shame we have internalized and carried through our lives has been a result of someone unconsciously transferring their unacknowledged shame onto us through various forms of neglect and abuse and emotional/physical abandonment.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

290 - When feeling stuck

When you are feeling "stuck" or "uncomfortable" look inside and you will likely notice some unacknowledged shame. The stuckness will move and change if you can share the shame with a safe person.
Peace,
Ken

http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net

289 - Daily reading on shame

Five minutes of shame reading per day from the recommended book list on shame which can be found on my website is a great help in understanding and accepting shame and speeds up the healing process immeasurably. In a sense this reading provides a new "pair of glasses" with which to see the ubiquity of shame as it is woven throughout our lives.
Peace,
Ken

http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net

288 - Compassion

My favorite definition of compassion is "to suffer with". We have all needed compassion from our important others and also needed to have compassion for others as well as ourselves. We need each other in order to heal shame. No blame.
Peace,
Ken

http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net

287 - Shame is normal

We have been conditioned to feel ashamed of our shame and using the word can have a normalizing effect. It is important to make friends with our feelings of shame. I mean this in the sense that we need to feel our feelings in order to heal them. It is much easier to feel our feelings when they are met with understanding, acceptance and compassion, first from others then ourselves.
Peace,
Ken

http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net

286 - What is underneath the anger?

When we believe that the "problems" we have with another person are their fault, what we are doing is avoiding feeling our own shame/hurt by transferring the shame to the other by blaming them. No blame. The solution seems to be to allow ourselves to feel the shame/hurt under the anger. Blame destroys relationships and self-esteem.
Peace,
Ken

http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net

285 - Journaling

Journaling can be useful in the process of healing shame by externalizing feelings. Journaling can also help us clarify, process and let go of these new or old shame feelings.
Peace,
Ken

http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net

284 - Need to feel felt

When we share these difficult shame feelings with a safe other, we need to feel felt by the other. In order for healing to occur we both need to be connected or willing to connect with our own shame feelings. Our most difficult feelings need and always needed acceptance and compassion.
Peace,
Ken

http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net

283 - Shame attacks can feel like a storm

When we get caught in a strong shame attack one thing we can do is think of it as a storm and remember storms always pass. Practice just sitting with it without judging it or fighting it and you will be healing some shame. These feelings need understanding, acceptance and compassion from ourselves or other safe people.
Peace,
Ken

http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net

282 - Shaming thoughts are interferences

It is useful in this healing process to learn to discern the difference between our shame thoughts and our shame feelings which are bodily sensations. Our shaming thoughts come directly from our specific conditioning and these thoughts interfere with the externalization and healing of our shame feelings.
Peace,
Ken

http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net

281 - Emotional abandonment

Our need for relationships with others in which we feel loved and wanted is a very basic human need. One strong source of shame is when a child doesn't experience this kind of relationship but rather one of emotional abandonment. This shame becomes internalized when the child has no way to process or share their shame and have it heard or accepted. No blame. This internalized shame makes relationships as adults very difficult. The process of healing shame will have the effect of improving our relationships.
Peace,
Ken

http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net

280 - Shamelessness is an avoidance mechanism

Do you have someone in your life in whose presence you feel as if you don't measure up? Consider the possibility that your someone was taught as a child to defend themselves against (avoid) their shame feelings by presenting themselves as shameless. It is simply a survival tool some of us learned to use as children. Unfortunately shamelessness tends to trigger shame in others. No blame. Both you and your someone deserves understanding, acceptance and compassion.
Peace,
Ken

http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net

279 - Shaming self-talk can be stopped

It is well worth the time and energy it takes to develop more awareness of one kind of self-talk that goes on. Self-talk that is critical, judgmental and self-shaming is a barrier to the healing process. The more awareness we have of our shaming self-talk the more choice we will have over stopping it.
Peace,
Ken

http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net

278 - Darkness and Light

I was reminded today of the power of our old, deep feelings of shame that we all walk around, unconsciously, carrying until something in particular triggers them hurtling us to our personal edge of darkness. I was also reminded of the power and beauty of a healing process that includes supportive human beings who bring with them understanding, acceptance and compassion gained from their own healing process. I hope you have some of those people with you in your life. I know you are some of those people.
Peace,
Ken

http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net

277 - Several states of shame and descriptors

Some words that describe a mild state of shame are uncertain, lacking confidence, insufficient, and unsure of self.
A moderate state of shame can be described with words such as overwhelmed, inadequate, immobilized, incapable, lacking, deficient, and incompetent.
A severe state of shame can be described as worthless, good for nothing, inferior, crippled, useless, bad, and failure.
Peace,
Ken

http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net

276 - Our discomfort with the word shame

Shame is a natural, normal human emotion and serves us as a socialization tool. Our discomfort with the word shame comes from at least two sources. The first is that the experience of shame can be very painful. The second source of discomfort with the word is that we have been taught to feel ashamed of our shame and we have concluded that if we feel shame there must be something wrong with us. This isn't true but it does take time and work to change our brains and our minds about this.
Peace,
Ken

http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net

275 - Sometimes it's prudent to postpone

When we are feeling alot of shame it is prudent to postpone, if possible, making major decisions and having certain sensitive conversations. The shame feelings too easily disrupt our "being in our right mind" and make difficult our ability to make wise decisions and our ability to have important conversations without shaming others.
Peace,
Ken

http://healingshameblog.blogspot.com
http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net

274 - A goal of group counseling

Develop a safe group container that can facilitate the emergence, sharing and reception of old, deep, previously unconscious feelings of self-rejection and shame.
Peace,
Ken

http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net

273 - Unconscious transfer of shame

When parents use the unconscious defense of shamelessness, children will take on and internalize the shame the parents are defending against. No blame just a description of what happens.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

272 - A reservoir of shame

I visualize our internalized shame looking like a large reservoir inside us. When we are able to share these shame feelings with another and feel received by the other person the reservoir begins to drain. As it slowly drains we begin to experience the self-acceptance that has been beneath the reservoir of shame.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

271 - Reactivity

I've been thinking today about how destructive our reactivity can be to our relationships of all kinds, to peace of mind, to a spiritual life? We human beings, while we carry unwarranted shame around with us, struggle so hard to be "better" not believing we are perfectly imperfect the way we are. Reactivity is the vehicle and shame is the gasoline that fuels it. Healing reduces our shame enabling us to reduce our reactivity.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

270 - Acceptance

One source of shame is when we are feeling powerless and resisting that powerlessness. The paradox is that when we can accept our powerlessness over something, people, shame, situations etc. we can gain a degree of choice, freedom and healing of shame.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

269 - Getting what we need

We all were wounded to one degree or another starting in our earliest relationships with other wounded people. This was where we were taught to shame ourselves and others without our awareness. It is in our relationships with others today that we need to find the understanding, acceptance and compassion that we have always needed and too frequently did not get. How to do that is what these emails are pointing toward. No blame.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

267 - Challenging old messages as a way of coping

Chose at least one person in your life you can count on for support in challenging the old negative messages when they arise. This is best done if you can tell them exactly what you need to hear from them to challenge the old message. Ex. I remember one morning in Cleveland needing to call my wife asking her to tell me I wasn't disgusting. I had exposed more of my feelings the previous evening in a training program than I could support for myself. The shame disappeared as she told me the truth.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

268 - Just artifacts

Those old negative messages that come up are nothing more than artififacts from our past conditioning. They weren't true, they aren't true and they won't be true in the future. We were just taught to believe them. No blame.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

266 - It's never too late

Most of the shame in our lives is that which was internalized, unacknowledged and we disconnected from in our childhoods many years ago. Sadly this shame has continued to exert great power over our lives, our decisions, our relationships. Freedom begins to come with the first time and every time we can acknowledge these feelings and share them with a person who can "own" their own shame feelings. It is never too late to participate in the shame healing process. If you want to register at the shame healing community blog to participate with others on that level, let me know and I can help in getting you registered.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

265 - A form of self-support

One way to support ourselves when we are feeling shame is to remember what support felt like in our bodies in the past when we have felt supported by someone's understanding, acceptance and compassion and replicate that feeling now.
Peace,
Ken

http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net/

264 - shame/judgment

When we judge someone it is our self-hate/shame being projected outwards towards others. Then our shame beats us up for judging someone. No blame.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

Taking time off

Hi folks, I'm taking a few days off, without a computer, so these emails will resume on 9-28 or 9-29. Thank you for your interest. Just a reminder that all the emails from March 09 on is stored on the blog listed below if you would care to review some.
Peace,
Ken
www.kenlewiscounselor.net

263 - Challenging shaming thoughts

I encourage you to replace the voice of shame messages, when they come up, with messages containing some degree of understanding, acceptance and compassion. Changing our brains with positive messages and positive relationships is a way to change our minds about ourselves and others. Challenge the shaming thoughts when possible.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

262 - Meditation

Meditation can be useful in healing shame by its quieting effect and allowing us to slow down to notice the voice of shame with its negative messages. Of course, meditation is also helpful in any spiritual practice you pursue. Sitting for ten minutes and gradually lengthening it to twenty minutes per day can be a good support for your healing. This is a tool not a whip so don't beat yourself with it.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

261 - Resensitization in the healing process

Growing up in a painful family and culture required alot of us to become desensitized to our feelings/sensations as a way of surviving. It's useful for us to learn how to sense our physical and emotional sensations in our bodies and also how to name them. Having a feelings list available can help in learning how to know more about our feelings and therefore know more about our wants and needs.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

260 - Shame awareness

When we compare ourselves to others, either better than or less than, it means that we are feeling shame and it is usually unconscious. Becoming more aware of our shame brings opportunities to feel it, share it and heal it a little at a time.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

259 - No-one to blame including ourselves

If you and I had all the information on ourselves, including all past relationships and experiences that have contributed to who we are today, and our genetic influences that have helped form who we are today, we would conclude that you and I are innocent. We are still responsible for ourselves, our behavior and our feelings just not guilty. And no-one to blame including ourselves.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

258 - Shame and intimacy

Intimacy is the feeling that our "world inside" can be safely exposed and explored। It includes what we need, what we feel as we talk to each other, how your responses feel to me, what I imagine your internal state to be, etc॥ When our shame memories and feelings come up we need to slow down, approach them with care and respect and get the right kind of support.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

257 - Criticism is a sign of shame

Feeling critical towards ourselves or others is a sign that our shame has been triggered. We are not to blame and neither are they. We are still responsible for ourselves, our behavior, our words, our feelings and our shame.
Peace,
Ken

http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net/

256 - A common shame

All strong feelings are, in a sense, contagious. One of the ways we take in or transfer shame is by sensing each others feelings tho usually without our knowing it. An example: Some years ago at a meeting I was attending regularly I noticed that when I spoke as part of the discussion two men that I particularly respected would drop their heads. This happened every week. I was mildly shamed by their heads dropping. It felt like a disconnection and with my conditioning I interpreted that action as a sign that they disliked me. This contributed to a feeling that I was not a valued part of that group. In speaking with them later to check out my interpretation it became clear that it wasn't a dislike of me. When I spoke I always felt some degree of old shame/shyness and when I would speak their turning away was because their shame was triggered by my shame and they automatically hid their faces. This would happen as naturally as our pulling away from a hot flame. No blame.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

255 - Variants of shame

Gershen Kaufman writes "Whenever we feel any of the following variants of shame it means we are feeling shame. Shyness, embarassment, chagrin, humiliation, guilt, low self-esteem, feeling ridiculous, sheepishness, discomfort, disconcertedness, abasement, disgrace, ignominy, dishonor, mortification, degradation, self-consciousness, disappointment, discouragement, feeling "lousy" or "funny".

Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

254 - Which voice is it? #2

Whether the voice you are hearing is in your head or it is another person's voice, if it is speaking to you and about you in an understanding, accepting, and compassionate way, it is the voice of love and compassion. You can believe it.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

253 - Which voice is it? #1

Whether the voice you are hearing is in your head or is another persons voice, if it is speaking to you in a critical or judgmental way, it is the corrosive, lying, soul-killing, life-robbing voice of shame. Don't believe it. Please.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

252 - Anger as an avoidance mechanism.

Anger is a secondary emotion. It is sometimes an important emotion/energy we can use to protect ourselves and our loved ones when we need to do that. More often than not however, our anger hides the primary emotions of shame, fear, or sadness or some combination of those feelings. Often we unconsciously avoid feeling these primary emotions by going to anger. When we feel angry we can slow ourselves down and look at what emotion may be driving the anger, giving ourselves the opportunity to do some healing.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

251 - We must feel it to heal it.

For a low or moderate level of shame I suggest you say "Right now I'm feeling shame." in order to diminish the shame some. By feeling, acknowledging and accepting the shame a little healing will have taken place. Every bit of shame we experience today, although painful, is another opportunity to heal some more. And it doesn't mean there is something wrong with you.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

250 - Shame-bound need to nurture others.

As children we sometimes wanted to nurture someone else, parent, etc.. If these attempts to nurture were repeatedly met with rejection, ridicule, and shame the need to nurture would in time become bound up in shame and as adults we would have great difficulty nurturing others because shame would be a barrier to doing so. In this case even to feel the desire to nurture another person would trigger shame for us.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

249 - Sharing shame.

It helps a person to share shame with someone who is comfortable with and accepting of their own shame because when we share shame it will be felt by the listener. If the listener is not accepting of their own shame they are likely to unconsciously transfer the shame back to the sharer. One way to transfer the shame back to the sharer is for the listener to try to fix the sharer.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

248 - Neuroplasticity.

Brain research in the past 15 years has shown with certainty that our brains continue to grow new neurons and can repair old neurons throughout our lifetimes. This ability is called neuroplasticity and is another reason why shame healing work can take place.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

247 - One way to speed up your healing process.

In learning how to identify and acknowledge shame out loud we begin to take away some of its power. We can learn how to identify more of the shame in our lives and in others lives by reading shame material five minutes a day and talking about it with others who are also interested in healing shame. A list of books focusing on shame is on my website.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

246 - Responsibility not blame.

A long time ago a man told me "Responsibility essentially means response ability or the ability to respond". I had thought it meant that "it" was my fault and I would blame myself or the other person etc.. Blaming is a strategy, mostly unconscious, to avoid feeling shame when it is triggered and is always a tip that we are feeling shame. Blame is a barrier to our taking responsibility and a barrier to healing our shame.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

245 - Another chance.

More often than not when we experience a shame attack or a shame spiral today it is usually from old shame wounds that we were unable to process as children because we didn't have the tools or the support to do so. The emotions can be as strong as if the original wounds were occurring in the present because our brains (old neural pathways) can't "tell time". We can learn today how to get the support and the understanding, acceptance and compassion necessary to heal these old shame/hurt feelings.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

244 - Perfectionism

Perfectionism is learned as a child. When a child brings home an assignment he did for school and was graded a particular way and feels proud of it and is met by their parent who responds with "But it's not an _____ grade", the child is shamed and learns that he must earn his parents' acceptance and pride by his external accomplishments that never measure up. Perfectionism is an attempt to measure up to some undefined standard, to gain acceptance and avoid shame, that never works. The child never develops an internal sense of how much is good enough. As a result the child can never enjoy the needed self satisfaction from the parent or themself. In healing our old shame we can become more immune to the dictates of perfectionism and gain self-acceptance.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

243 - Developing a new pair of glasses to see shame.

Many interpersonal interactions include some combination of the language and behavior of belonging/acceptance/reception and the language and behavior of shame. Check it out. Greater awareness brings more choice.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

242 - One way shame occurs.

Gershon Kaufman writes that shame occurs where there is a break in the "interpersonal field". This has happened most powerfully for me when I believe I have hurt someone's feelings by mistake and I feel the gulf/break between us. At times I have felt desparate to repair the break in the interpersonal bridge between us.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

241 - Transferring shame

In any of our relationships that have recurring conflict and shame/hurt/anger in them we are both the unwitting, unconscious "creators" and the "victims" of these painful, shaming interactional cycles. In these troubled relationships, without knowing it, we transfer shame back and forth. No blame.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

240 - Awareness brings more choice.

Most of the time when we trigger each others shame, we don't do it intentionally and we do it without awareness. As we focus and bring more awareness to shame we begin to have more choice about transferring our shame to others. Although we are not to blame, we are responsible for our feelings and behavior.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

239 - A tool for healing shame

If the voice in your head is judging or blaming you or anyone else you can be sure that you have had shame triggered internally or externally and you are feeling shame at that moment. Practice separating the bodily sensation of shame from the words of judgment and criticism that seem to come with it. Put the words associated with the shame off to the side on a shelf you have visualized. Just let yourself feel the shame in your body without judgment and allow it to come up and out. Ideally share it with someone you trust. This takes practice for most people to be able to do but is well worth the effort for the freedom it affords. The judgments and criticisms are just introjects you were taught to believe a long time ago and are not about you.
Let me know if you would like to stop receiving these emails. Just reply with Please Discontinue. Thanks
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

238 - Normal shame becoming internalized

When a child's primary caregivers are unable to notice, accept, and respond appropriately to a need or emotion of the child, normal shame helps a child to pull back from the need or emotion for protection. If this happens often enough or is traumatic enough, the childs' need or emotion becomes bound up in shame and can be lost to the child.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

237 - The good news of recent brain research.

Brain research in the past ten years reveals that who we are today is formed or created at the intersection of our hardwiring and our relationships daily. Who we are is always evolving into someone new. The more healing of shame, self-hatred and fear we go through the more freedom of choice we have in determining who we will be. One choice we gain is to become our authentic selves who have always been there beneath our conditioning and unwarranted shame. We need the safety of each others understanding, acceptance and compassion to feel safe enough to go through the healing process slowly over time.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

236 - Silent epidemic

In a sense shame is a silent epidemic. It is woven throughout our personal and collective lives. It affects our self-esteem, self-confidence, self-acceptance, trust in ourselves as well as how we feel and think about others. In beginning to identify, acknowledge and speak of shame we begin to take away some of its power.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

235 - Effectiveness in relationships

Learning about the shame dynamic and doing healing work can increase our sensitivity and effectiveness in relationships of all kinds.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

234 - Recommended reading

I strongly encourage you to read 5 minutes a day from one of the shame books I've listed on my web site. I consider John Bradshaw's most recent edition of Healing the Shame that Binds You the primer for shame study and healing. Many of the books on that list are very good for a variety of reasons and for particular people and the Bradshaw book will give you the most inclusive perspective on shame and what we are dealing with in healing shame. If you haven't read it I hope you will consider doing so.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

233 - Awareness and shame

Awareness and shame cannot coexist for long. The voice of shame will continue to speak for awhile after awareness comes because it has the energy of our conditioning for generations behind it. Everytime it is recognized it gets a little weaker.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

232 - Healing wounds can happen

We were all wounded to one degree or another in our earliest relationships and that is when we were taught there was something wrong with us. It is in our relationships as adults that we can heal those wounds with the right kind of support that includes understanding, acceptance and compassion. This can happen. I promise.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

231 - Getting more needs and wants met

Growing up in a painful family/culture we needed to become desensitized to most of our feelings in our bodies in order to survive the various forms of abuse and neglect that occurred. Today we need to learn how to sense/feel our feelings in our bodies so that we can better know our needs and wants and increase our ability to have needs and wants met.
Peace,
Ken

The first sentence of yesterdays message should have read "When you notice yourself judging, criticizing or blaming anyone including yourself,-----------".

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

230 - Ways to know shame is triggered.

When you notice yourself judging, criticizing or blaming anyone, you can assume you are feeling shame. It doesn't mean there is something wrong with you, it just means you've had shame triggered and it needs understanding, acceptance and compassion.
Peace,
Ken

http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net/

229 - The ubiquity of shame

The unconscious triggering of shame that goes on between all of us happens on an intra-personal, interpersonal, inter-family, inter-cultural, inter-racial and even on an international level and of course leads to conflicts of all kinds on every level.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

228 - Inner child work

One way of working with and healing shame feelings is to attend to the shame like a "good enough" parent would with their child. I sometimes think of our feeling life as our inner child who needs understanding, acceptance and compassion.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

227 - Another form of "up and out"

When we feel relatively smaller levels of shame we can say "Right now I'm feeling shame." and allow the feelings to rise energetically up from our abdomen and out of the top of our head. When I do this it reminds me of air bubbles rising to the top of a glass of water and dispersing. This probably sounds strange if you haven't tried it and it can be useful if you give it a try.
Peace,
Ken
www.kenlewiscounselor.net

226 - "up and out"

In general it is useful to think of what needs to occur with our shame as it needing to "come up and out" in some way and to be received with understanding, acceptance and compassion either by ourselves or others. The shame can be allowed to "come up and out" with words, or tears or writing.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

225 - Sharing shame feelings

It's important to our healing of shame that we be less alone with it. These feelings need to be shared in a way that is more than mere reporting. Both the speaker and the listener need to be able to connect to their shame feelings.
Peace,
Ken
www.kenlewiscounselor.net

224 - Sources of Shame #9 - Needs and Emotions

When a child's caregivers are unable to notice, accept, and respond to a particular need or emotion of the child or if its needs or emotions are neglected shame will develop and those needs and/or emotions will become shame-bound. For example: If a child's need for touch is not responded to or if it is shamed, as an adult their need for touch will cause them shame and inhibit their having this need fulfilled. Another example: If a child is punished/shamed for feeling sad, as an adult they will be unable to feel sadness without its accompanying shame.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

223 - Sources of Shame #8 - Abuse

A considerable degree of shame results from abuse of all kinds. This includes mental/verbal abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse both overt and covert, and spiritual abuse. It is important to note that all abuse is very shaming whether a person is the direct target of the abuse or an observer of the abuse.
Peace,
Ken

http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net/

222 - Sources of Shame #7 - Our individualism

Gordon Wheeler talks about the individualist paradigm we are socialized to
believe in that was first created 3000 years ago in Greece. It posits that we
are separate beings and we should be able to handle things ourselves.
Therefore, if we can't handle everything ourselves there is something wrong with us. This is a quite common
source of shame for us because the truth is we do need each other in many ways and
thus have a sense of failure when we don't live up to the unrealistic expectations of
our individualist paradigm. In this paradigm to need help and need others is shameful.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

221 - Sources of Shame #6 - Contempt/Disgust

The dad behaved contemptuously towards the son who was experienced as disgusting by the dad. The son learns to feel disgusted with himself and treat himself with contempt. No blame. Another transfer of shame.
Peace,
Ken
http://healingshameblog.blogspot.com
www.kenlewiscounselor.net

220 - Sources of Shame #5 - Judgmentalism

When we become judgmental towards ourselves or others we are feeling some shame, usually unaware of it, and are avoiding the recognition and feeling of shame by judging. This is another form of shamelessness which can work to relieve our feeling of shame only temporarily and leads to more shame.
Peace,
Ken

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219 - Sources of shame #4 - Rage

Rage is shame driven and also a sure source of shame. When I have raged in the past everyone around me felt considerable shame as did I before, during and after the rage attack. This is another way to transfer shame. No blame and there is a solution.
Peace,
Ken

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218 - Sources of shame #3 Blame

When we feel shame we can short circuit the feeling by blaming someone else or even ourselves. The blame also transfers the shame to others. We need to feel these feelings to heal them.
Peace,
Ken

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217 - Sources of shame #2 - Powerlessness

Many of us experience powerlessness on a regular basis, as children and as adults, which will trigger a feeling of shame. Whether it is powerlessness over alcohol, other drugs, other people, food and eating or not eating, gambling, rage, various sexual addictions, oppressive living circumstances etc. the feeling of powerlessness will trigger shame for most people. No blame.
Peace,
Ken

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216 - Sources of shame

Very little of the shame we have internalized over our lifetimes is a result of our mistakes and transgressions. Most of it comes from others' (parents, teachers, classmates, societies, etc.) shame being transferred to us unconsciously. There are myriad ways we have to shame each other without being aware of doing so. I'll write about some of the ways we shame and are shamed. No Blame.
Peace,
Ken

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215 - Shame is contagious.

All strong emotions, including shame, are contagious. We cannot be part of a group in which someone is feeling shame without our feeling shame as well. This usually occurs without our awareness.
Peace,
Ken

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214 - Voice of shame.

When the voice you are hearing, either internally or externally, is speaking to you without compassion and in critical and judgmental terms don't believe it. It is the voice of shame.
Peace,
Ken

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213 - Abandonment creates and also activates shame

One of the many sources of shame for us both as children and adults is physical and/or emotional abandonment. When we distance ourselves from our loved ones we are creating shame for them and perhaps triggering their old abandonment shame. No blame. Normally they will transfer the shame back to us with their own language/behavior of shame. No blame and mostly without awareness. And on and on.
Peace,
Ken

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212 - Our language/behavior.

Are you able to identify your own language/behavior of acceptance/reception and your language/behavior of shame? No blame. I encourage you to give it some attention and awareness.
Peace,
Ken

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211 - What's normal?

Most interpersonal relationships and interactions, especially within couples, include some combination of the language/behavior of acceptance/reception and the language/behavior of shame. Doing shame work diminishes the language/behavior of shame. You will find some suggestions for doing shame work in posts #195 to #206.
Peace,
Ken

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210 - A choice

We have a choice between becoming more aware of our shame which enables us to feel it more, heal it more, and experience the freedom and self-acceptance that brings; or we can live in denial of the unwarranted, internalized shame woven throughout our lives and continue to struggle with our addictions, relationship problems, anxiety and depression, and self-hate, etc..
Peace,
Ken

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209 - "Two lost souls"

When we use, consciously or unconsciously, any of the avoidance mechanisms Iisted in my post #205 we will activate/trigger shame in other people. They will in turn transfer the shame back to us with one of the avoidance mechanisms and on and on it can go. I call this "two lost souls" triggering each other and it's no-ones fault. Although we are all responsible for our selves, our feelings and actions, there is no basis for blame in my view. When I blame someone it is always when I feel shame and then they will often feel shame and थेंblame.

Peace,
Ken

Instructions posted between #197 and #198.

208 - Shame about shame.

We have been taught to feel ashamed of our shame by the degree of silence on the subject. Silence makes the word and feeling unspeakable. I use the word shame alot partially in order to normalize it and to take the shame from the word and feeling of shame. It is a perfectly normal and natural part of our feeling life. It becomes a problem with the large amount of shaming that goes on along with the fact that we were conditioned to suppress feelings without sufficient support ie., understanding, acceptance and compassion for our feelings. Again no blame.
Peace,
Ken

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207 - Artifacts from the past.

Most of our shame feelings don't need to be taken personally by us. Themajority of these feelings are not about us. They are in a real sense artifacts from our unskillful and painful conditioning by shame-driven people who were just doing what they were conditioned to दो and feel.
Peace,
Ken

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206 - Healing Shame #12

When possible I recommend group counseling for individuals doing shame work. In small group counseling a "safe container" is developed that can facilitate the emergence, sharing and reception of old, deep, previously unconscious feelings of self-rejection and shame/self-hate. If you are interested in group work and for any reason you do not want to join one of my groups let me know and I could recommend an alternative.
Peace,
Ken

To read others comments click on comment and to leave a comment on this email click on comment and follow the instructions for commenting posted between #197 and #198. With the blog we are continuing to develop an on line shame-healing community. Ideally, I would like to know who is commenting but if privacy is a concern for you just make up a name. Thanks.

205 - Healing Shame #11

Without realizing it we will defend against feeling our shame feelings with the following - anger, rage, control, contempt, withdrawal, blame, judgment, denial, depression, or presenting ourselves as perfect or "shameless". We need to feel our shame feelings in order to heal them.
Peace,
Ken

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204 - Healing Shame #10

One tool that some people find useful in their healing of internalized shame
is inner child work. I think of our inner child as our feeling life and so to
do inner child work is to learn how to treat our feeling life as a "good
enough" parent might. We need to become able to provide for our "inner child"
the understanding, acceptance and compassion we have always needed. We do
this by being in relationship with others who are committed to a similar kind
of healing process and who can, at least initially, provide us with some
understanding, acceptance and compassion.
Peace,
Ken

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on comment and follow the instructions posted between 197 and 198.

203 - Healing Shame #9

Many people tell me that getting a clearer understanding of when and where
they internalized their self-hating and shameful feelings has been helpful to
them in gaining more compassion for themselves more quickly. This clearer
understanding comes from doing regular shame readings five minutes per day
from the suggested shame book list and also by talking about possible times
and places they learned these feelings and self-judgments.
Peace,
Ken

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202 - Healing Shame #8

Many of us grew up in families where feelings were denied and/or rejected and
shamed. No blame. Becoming desensitized to our feelings meant losing our
ability to feel feelings in our bodies. It was a matter of survival at the
time. Today feeling our feelings bodily allows us to know ourselves better
and to know more clearly our wants and needs. Practice paying attention to
feelings in your body and as you develop more awareness of your feelings it
will facilitate your healing process.
Peace,
Ken

To comment on these Shame to Self-Acceptance emails click on
Comment and follow the instructions located
between 197 and 198 for your first comment only.

201 - Healing Shame #7

I recommend ten to twenty minutes per day of quiet meditation. Meditation
will facilitate the slowing down of our thoughts, eventually allowing brief
time between thoughts. It helps with anxiety and depression and enabling old
feelings to arise to be shared with your support system. Meditation can
consist of counting exhalations of the breath from one to ten and then start over with one. Don't
worry and be gentle with yourself if you are unable to get to ten without
losing track of counting. Just keep coming back to the breath and the
counting. There is no way to fail in meditation. No blame.
Peace,
Ken

To comment on these Shame to Self-Acceptance emails click on comment and
follow the instructions posted between 197 and 198 for your first comment only.

200 - Healing Shame #6

Children of all ages need parents and other people capable of being
emotionally present for them, compassionate with them, responsive to them and
respectful of them. Our parents were unable to provide these conditions
mainly
because they hadn't experienced their parents as being emotionally present,
etc.
for them. No blame. Those of us who are parents have to varying degrees
been
unable to provide emotional presence, etc. to our children tho this is
changing some.
Again no blame. Today we can begin to learn how to give to each other and
ourselves the gift of emotional presence, compassion, responsiveness and
respect. It is a process and we are in it. Develop a support system,
however small, who knows there is nothing wrong with you except you were
taught in many ways to believe that there was something wrong with you down
deep.
Peace,
Ken

199 - Healing shame #5

Another way to allow the feelings up and out is to journal. This has been
especially useful to me when I lie awake at night unable to sleep. At
these times the culprit is usually shame. You could visualize your feelings
linked by a string from where you are feeling the feelings in your body to
your pen or keyboard.
Peace,
Ken

198 - Healing shame #4

To let go of the feelings and messages usually means to allow them to "come up

and out". We become able to do that through the use of a. our feeling words
(say
them out loud ie. Right now I'm feeling shame.), b. crying, c. visualization
of the
feelings coming up energetically thru our body and out the top of our heads.
We need to
feel felt by others when we share these.
Peace,
Ken

Instructions for leaving comments on my blog

I welcome and appreciate any comments you may have regarding the Shame to
Self-Acceptance postsTo leave your comments on अ post you will need to do the following:
Click on Comments located beneath the post।
Type your comment in the box that opens.

Click on Select Profile----You will later need one of the accounts on the list
in order to register and post your comment. To use Google as an example click on Google on the Profile list.

Click on Post Comment. It then opens to the word verification screen.

Type the word as instructed in word verification and then click finish.

It then opens to the Blogger page where it tells you to sign in to your Google
acct if you have one and if you don't have one, click on Create An Account
Now. It is free and takes only 5 minutes to complete the process. An
alternative to opening a Google account is to click on Open ID on the Profile
List. You will find instructions for Open ID at http://openid.net/get/ although I
found that more complicated for me.

After you complete opening a google account click on Continue and your comment
will be posted. Comments after your first one is much quicker.

I hope this helps. Please let me know if it does or doesn't.
Ken

197 - Healing shame #3

Our goal in shame work is to let go of shame feelings and toxic messages. It
is not to change ourselves. As our shame reservoir slowly empties we will grow
in self-acceptance. As self-acceptance grows our self-hurting and
hurting others behaviors diminish. Learn the words that go with your feelings.
Practicing this will support you in letting go of old toxic feelings and
messages. Many people find a feelings list useful.
Peace,
Ken

196 - How to heal shame #2

The greater awareness we have of shame the greater possibility we have for
more freedom, comfort and authenticity. We all have numerous opportunities
daily to notice shame and fear of shame in
ourselves and others. If you are not noticing shame many times a day look more closely.
Ex. When I feel anger I know I am defending
against feeling shame or fear or sadness or a combination of those feelings
but it is usually shame.
Peace,
Ken

195 - How to heal shame #1

Denial/blindness to our shame keeps us prisoners of it. Most people are blind
to most of our shame because it largely does not come from anything we
have done or not done. Most of our shame comes from overt and covert messages
that we have internalized throughout our lives especially during the formative
years of childhood. These messages come to us from many sources but for now I
refer you to shame reading materials I have recommended at other times for
sources. I will discuss sources of our shame again later in these emails but
for now I want to focus on a series of recommendations over the next 10 or 15
emails on how to heal internalized shame.
Peace,
Ken

194 - Tired of working on yourself?

Are you tired of working on yourself? If you are, remember it is impossible
to do enough to feel good about ourselves when we are in our "not right
minds", or "in the soup" or when we are run by shame and the inner judge. On
the other hand, when we are in our "right minds" and not believing the inner
judge we will know and feel there is nothing wrong with us and can feel
accepting of ourselves without needing to "do enough".
Peace,
Ken

193 - Transfering of shame

When we shame others, intentionally or unintentionally, it occurs when we are
experiencing shame ourselves. It is usually out of our awareness. We often
transfer shame back and forth between each other without realizing it.
Peace,
Ken

192 - Misunderstandings

Often when we have shame triggered by others, it is that we have heard what
they said and we have interpreted it through our own conditioning. If we
don't check these out with the other person we can easily misinterpret the
meaning and assume an incorrect motivation for the event. Many times it is
useful to ask the other what they were wanting to communicate to us.
Peace,
Ken

191 - A more conscious motivation.

Many of us need to learn to bring a deeper attention to our internal processes
as a way of making our feelings and our needs a more conscious part of
what motivates us. In doing so we discover the "real self" inside rather than
the voice of shame and we give the self a greater chance to grow.

Peace,
Ken

190 - Learning to distinguish and name

It's useful for us to learn how to distinguish and accurately name our
specific feelings and specific interpersonal needs.
This enables our shame-bound feelings and interpersonal needs to become
validated and accepted which facilitates our healing in these areas. This
also leads to more of a sense of inner mastery, competence and
self-acceptance.

Peace,
Ken

189 - Contagion of emotions.

All strong emotion is contagious. Therefore we are daily impacting others
feelings and being impacted by others feelings whether we know it or not.
Developing our awareness of our shared feelings is part of getting a handle on
working through our shame and other strong emotions.
Ken

188 - Shamelessness #2

Shamelessness behavior includes striving for power and control, rage,
arrogance, criticism, blame, judgmentalness and moralizing, contempt,
patronizing. These are ways we can transfer (consciously or unconsciously)
shame to others enabling us to avoid feeling our shame.
Ken

187 - Shamelessness

Was anyone able to access an attachment I included in email #169. It was a hand-out by Ann Smith titled Reducing Shame. Please let me know by reply.

When a person acts "shamelessly" it is a defense against feeling their shame. As that occurs shame will be triggered in people around them.
Ken

186 - Awareness brings choice.

When we think, say or do things that are hurtful to ourselves or others, we
are likely experiencing shame with or without awareness. Without awareness of
the shame we will automatically transfer this shame to others through
criticism, judgment and blame. With awareness we can notice, acknowledge and
even share the shame with someone who knows their own shame, thereby healing
it and avoiding the transferring of it.
Ken

185 - Part of the process of disidentifying

When you hear the voice of shame/conditioning speaking to you, it is very important for you to remember that what the voice is saying to you is based on self-hating conditioning. You were taught to believe it but it wasn't true and it isn't you. You are not the voice of shame/conditioning, you are the one who can be aware of the negative messages of the voice of shame and learn how to respond. This is a part of the important process of disidentifying from the old shame voices.
Ken

184 - Mindfulness

I recommend making mindfulness a part of your daily practice. A great
introduction to mindfulness is The Miracle of Mindfulness by Thich Nhat Han.

I'm taking a few days off and will be back to these messages June 1. My hope is
that interested people will leave responses to the posts and to comments other
people have left creating an online healing shame community. Thank you.
Ken

183 - A shame assumption.

When you feel shame you may commonly assume that it is about you, specifically
that it means there is something wrong with you. This is not true though we
do all sometimes make mistakes which are born out of our unacknowledged
shame. It just doesn't mean there is something wrong with you.
Ken

182 - Feeling stuck?

When you feel stuck or uncomfortable try looking internally for the
unacknowledged shame. Then share the shame with someone in your support
system.
Ken

181 - Shames' opposite.

The opposite of feeling shame is the feeling of support, reception and
connection.
Ken

180 - Blame vs healing.

When we blame ourselves or others we are defending ourselves against feeling shame and it is a barrier to healing. We need to feel the shame in order to heal it.
Ken

179 - Ubiquity of shame

Shame is a powerful contributer to all kinds of problems including depression,
anxiety, relationship problems of all kinds, addictions, eating disorders,
bullying, all types of violence including sexual assault, suicide, and
conflicts on every level. It truly is ubiquitous though mostly outside of our
awareness.
Ken

178 - Keeping a journal

Journaling can be helpful in healing shame. It is a way of externalizing
painful feelings and also can help in clarifying, processing and letting go of
the feelings.
Ken

177 - One of the reasons to read shame material

I suggest reading shame materials, books etc. for five minutes a day. One
reason is it will heighten ones awareness of shame and the shaming messages we
have internalized over the years. This reading will also hasten the long
process of healing our internalized shame and self-hate.
Ken

176 - Sharing feelings successfully

When we share our feelings with someone we need to stay engaged with ourselves
and the other in our telling and we need the other to stay engaged with us
otherwise we will repeat the telling over and over and over without feeling
really received and heard.
Ken

175 - Self-support

A way of supporting ourselves when we are feeling shame is to remember what
support felt like in our bodies when we felt supported with someone's
understanding, acceptance and compassion.
Ken

174 - Voice of shame

When the voice you are hearing, whether internal or external, is speaking to
you without compassion and in critical and judgmental
terms please don't believe it. It is the voice of shame.
Ken

173 - Neuroplasticity

Who we are today has developed and will continue to develop at the
intersection of our brains and the impact of our relationships on our brains.
This occurs every day of our lives for as long as we have had and will have
brains and relationships. Is how I am living today the way I would like my
brain to be impacted?
Ken

172 - A coping tool.

During a shame attack one way of coping with it is to ask someone in your shame support system to relate to you their own experience with a shame attack with a similar trigger. It seems to reduce the intensity of the shame attack very quickly.
Ken

171 - Feelings bound in shame

Whenever a feeling, be it anger, sadness, fear, excitement etc., is met with a
shaming response by an important other, a feeling shame bind may result.
Later that feeling shame bind will inhibit or rule out expression of that
feeling. Often we then go into denial of the feeling and lose touch with much
of our feeling life. "I don't know what I feel" can become commonplace for us.
Ken

170 - Acknowledging shame

In learning how to identify and acknowledge shame we can begin to take away some of its power over us and our relationships.
Ken

169 - handout on Reducing Shame

Please find below this email a handout titled Reducing Shame which is given to people who complete the Breakthrough Program at the Caron
Foundation in Wernersville, PA. It was written by Ann Smith who runs that
program for adults raised in disfunctional families. There is quite alot of
useful info in the handout that could be used by anyone interested in shame
healing and repair. You may want to make a hard copy of it.
Ken


REDUCING SHAME: THE CHALLENGE OF LONG TERM RECOVERYAnn W. Smith M.S., LPC, LMFT
I. Shame the ACT, Shame the FEELING, shame the STATE OF BEING
The ACT of shaming
We have all shamed another person at one time or another. We have all experienced being shamed by someone. Usually it is an unconscious behavior, used as a defense, a protective devise to make the “shamer” feel superior to the victim. It is done through words and body language which convey disapproval, intolerance, disgust, rejection, or even loathing or hatred. It uses words such as “you should”, “you will never amount to anything”, “I’m ashamed of you”, “Get away from me”, “How could you be so stupid”, etc. It can be conveyed with simple facial expressions, or even silence. It is most damaging when the roles are unequal between parties, for example, when a parent or person in authority attacks a child or subordinate. It leaves the victim feeling powerless, “less than”, feeling like nothing, feeling bad abouthimself.
The FEELING of Shame
Shame is a normal feeling that will happen occasionally to all of us. It is similar to guilt but much deeper, and less easily identified because it’s source is unclear and abstract. Most of us are not even aware of it and do not have the language to describe it. People use words like “sick”, “devastated”, “bad”, “crushed”, “nothing” to describe the feeling. They oftenget depressed, withdrawn and silent in response, not knowing why, and not ableto identify what happened. The feeling of shame makes the victim want to hide, “go inside” and retreat from the world. They feel extremely vulnerable and unable to cope with further wounding. They often feel exposed, caught with their flaws showing and feel that the world now knows how truly “bad” they are. It is not necessarily because they actually did anything wrong (that would create guilt), rather it is because they have been disapproved of by someone who matters to them. Their withdrawal from the world actually makes the shame increase. The antidote is “coming out” with someone who is safe and working it through. The longer we are silent, the more it is internalized and we eventually forget the source entirely but keep the pain.
The STATE of Shame
When an individual has been shamed chronically, over long periods of time, they eventually believe what their shame has told them, “I AM BAD”. Self esteem is deeply damaged. A belief system is built around the core of their being that supports the fact of their being “damaged goods”. Their survival mechanism kicks in and builds defenses to protect the core from further trauma. Their mission is to not be caught with their flaws exposed ever again. The earlier in life the abuse begins, the more serious and lasting thedamage to the person’s identity. A “pseudo-self” is formed gradually to coverweaknesses and protect against further abuse. Some individuals will be very “good”, some will opt to attack first to feel safe. Underneath the facade, the feelings are the same whether defenses are pretty and pleasing , or ugly and repulsive. Addictions may be another way to self-medicate, reducing pain temporarily but eventually causing more shame and creating a cycle of dependency. People who live unconsciously in a “state of shame” become abusive to others through their projection of self-hate and their defenses. It appears in direct or subtle ways, at times simply through neglect, withdrawal or rejection of others. In this way, shame is passed from one generation to another.
II. Healing Unresolved Shame
A. Abstain from Compulsive behaviors which medicate pain and create shameB. Identify feelings as they surface. Your body reacts strongly to shame. Notice your language and your behavior when shame hits. Begin to identify it as soon as it begins. C. Confront issues causing the shame in healthy ways. Set boundaries, create distance if needed,express needs etc. D. Gradually change the environments which feed your shame. Develop strong healthy support systems, friends who care and respect you, a work place that is friendly and encouraging, nottoxic to self esteem. E. Work diligently on eliminating negative self-talk. It is toxic and damaging and must change for shame to heal. Use thought stopping, distraction, affirmation and your support system to do it. Shaming oneself is a difficult habit to break but essential to recovery. F. Learn not to shame others. Listen to and honor the limits of others. Find tactful, safe ways to communicate your needs. DO NO HARM to others.
III. Antidotes for a “Shame Attack” It takes many years to heal the deep shame that we hold. Shame attacks will happen without our having control. When they do, these tips may help to shorten the episode and to lessen it’s negative impact. A. Learn the art of “externalizing”. Shame is like a virus that attacks me.I can fight back. I am not my shame. B. Identify the “shame attack” quickly and name it. The longer it has a chance to take hold, the harder it is to fight back. Once it has taken hold, it is very difficult to reverse and may turn into days of isolation and depression. As soon as you know it. SAY IT! C. COME OUT! Don’t hide out away from people. Tell someone how you feel. Be with safe people who understand. Talk and you will probably begin to find the source. Don’t worry if you don’t. As you talk, the pain will shrink. D. Read helpful writings. Find things that have helped you before, such as affirmations, permission to let go, spiritual or inspiring things. Have on hand, books, prayer, quotes or passages that are soothing. Read them over andover instead of obsessing or analyzing what you did wrong or what you are upset about. E. Temporarily stay away from “trigger” people until your pain has passed. Any risky person is going to increase the pain. Don’t confront anyone, just express your feelings and save the serious discussions for later on. F. While in a “shame attack”, don’t trust your own thoughts. Your thoughts are probably all negative and very distorted by the pain. Try not to take yourself too seriously until the pain goes away. G. Postpone major decisions or responsibilities if possible until you are inbetter shape, usually just a day or two. Don’t act on the pain no matter how strongly you want to lash out. Healthy people don’t play “pay back” in their relationships. If you act out, you may create another problem you will have to undo later. H. Visualize yourself giving back any of the shame that does not belong to you. For example, in your mind return negative messages to those who gave them to you (parents, partners, boss etc.) Ask yourself honestly, “which partof the criticism do I need to own?” Shrink it down into a manageable size and give the rest back. The worst criticism is usually partly true. I. Put all of your energy into self-caring until you feel able to get back to life. Take walks, pray, breathe, exercise, buy yourself flowers, get a massage etc. J. Once the shame has lifted, notice your patterns and your progress. Ask yourself, “How did I get into this?, What was helpful or not?, Who or what made it worse?, Did I get over it faster than the last time?”With consistent practice, the episodes will be less and less frequent and you will be able to stop them within hours or even minutes.

168 - Good and bad news

In many ways our world is a shame-driven world. To heal this internalized shame we have carried all our lives takes alot of time and alot of work. That's the bad news. The good news is there are ways for this healing to happen.
Ken

167 - healing shame blog

A couple months ago I started a blog and have slowly begun to use it in a limited way. Part of the reason for the blog is to make this shame info more publicly accessible. If you want to check it out to see if it might be useful to you or someone you know the address is http://healingshameblog.blogspot.com .
Ken

166 - Variants of shame

Gershen Kaufmann writes "Whenever we feel any of the following variants of shame it means we are feeling shame. Shyness, embarassment,chagrin, humiliation, guilt, low self-esteem, feeling ridiculous, sheepishness, discomfort, disconcertedness, abasement, disgrace, ignominy,dishonor, mortification, degradation, self-consciousness, disappointment, discouragement, feeling "lousy" or "funny"."
Ken

165 - Taking action to get support

It isn't only that we need to learn how to get support for ourselves. It is also that we need to act on what we learned. That is to actually get support.
Ken

164 - Failure of support

Shame occurs where there is a failure of support in a persons environment.
Learning how to get more of the right kind of support is an important part of
healing shame.
Ken

163 - Shame exchange

It is important in our healing to be less alone with our shame and other
difficult emotions. These feelings need to be shared in a way that is beyond
reporting and listening. There needs to be an active exchange of shame material or
shame feelings that each of us carries.
Ken

162 - Value of reading

Five minutes of shame reading per day from the recommended book list on shame
which can be found on my website is a great help in understanding and
accepting shame and speeds up the healing process immeasurably.
Ken

161 - Critical, shaming self-talk.

I suggest putting some time and energy into stopping the self-talk that is
critical, judgmental and self-shaming. This can begin with just becoming more
aware of this kind of self-talk. With more awareness you will begin to have
more choice over stopping it.
Ken

160 - The word shame

Shame is a natural, normal human emotion and serves us as a socialization
tool. Our discomfort with the word shame comes from at least two places. The
first is that the experience of shame can be very painful. The
second reason for our discomfort with the word is that we have all been taught
to feel ashamed of our shame and we've concluded that if we feel shame there
is something wrong with us. This isn't true but it does take time and work to
change our brains and our minds about this.
Ken

159 - Role of anger

Anger is a secondary emotion. It is energy we sometimes need in order to protect ourselves and our loved ones. More often however, we unconsciously use our anger to "protect" us from feeling shame, fear or sadness. Therefore, it is useful when feeling anger to look at what emotion may be driving the anger and address it.
Ken

158 - Everything matters after all

Recent brain research tells us that everything we experience daily impacts our brain development, our brain structure or architecture and how our brains affect our shame healing process. It makes me want to be more choiceful regarding what I want to expose to my brain.
Ken

157 - Neuroplasticity

Brain research in the past fifteen years shows definitively that our brains
continue to grow new neurons and can repair old neurons throughout our
lifetimes. This is called neuroplasticity and with the right kind of support
healing shame will occur.
Ken

156 - Help in healing

Do you have someone in your life with whom you feel safe to be yourself?
Friend, spiritual mentor, sponsor might be a person such as this. A counselor
can become this for you tho I recommend you have at least one other safe
person in your life as well. Spend regular time with this person, once a week
if possible. A small therapy group can also provide this kind of
understanding, acceptance and compassion.
Ken

155 - Heads you lose, tails you lose

One way our shame/self-hate gets projected outward is by judging others, shame then uses that against us by beating us up for judging.
Ken

154 - Meditation

I recommend ten to twenty minutes of meditation daily. There are many useful ways to meditate. One of the more common ways is to count exhalations one to ten and then start over. When thoughts come and you lose count, as they surely will, gently go back to the counting. Sometimes people get very frustrated when they have obsessive thinking going on and believe they are not meditating correctly. That is not the case. Time spent brings increasing satisfaction. Persevere. On the other hand there is no value in judging oneself for not persevering.
Ken

153 - Another resource.

Brene' Brown wrote a book called (I Thought It Was Just Me) about shame. I
recently read some of her blog addressed http://ordinarycourage.squarespace.com/
and was heartened by it. I hope you will get a chance to take a look at her blog. She talks about shame both personally and professionally as a researcher.
Good stuff.
Ken

152 - Needs/Shame

We have been taught to feel shame regarding many of our basic human needs.
These include the need for attention, the need for approval, for acceptance,
admiration and affirmation. Even an unconscious need for these can elicit
some feelings of shame. This shame makes it difficult for us to even know
what our needs are let alone asking for these needs to be met.
Ken

151 - A ground of shame

Gordon Wheeler writes about the individualist paradigm that we have been
taught to believe in was created 3000 years ago in what is now Greece. Central to
this paradigm is the belief that we are separate beings and we should be able
to handle things ourselves and if we can't, it means there is something wrong
with us. The truth is we need each other in many ways and this becomes a
widespread source of shame for us by our having a sense of failure for not
living up to these unrealistic expectations. In the individualist paradigm to
need help is to feel ashamed.
Ken

150 - Passing on shame.

When parents use the mostly unconscious defense of shamelessness, children
take on and internalize the shame that the parents are avoiding. No blame just a
description of what can happen. This occurs between adults as well of course.
Deep attention helps. Acknowledgement of the shame can lead to understanding,
acceptance and compassion.
Ken

149 - Unacknowledged shame/shame spiral

When we are in shame filled environments we will empathically feel shame. Without awareness of the shame we are feeling we will tend to believe there is "something wrong" with us or others. This unacknowledged shame can sometimes lead to a shame spiral.
Ken

148 - Reducing shames power

In learning how to identify and acknowledge shame out loud we begin to take
away some of its power. We can learn how to identify more of the shame in our
lives and in others by reading shame materials five minutes a day and talking
about it with others with a similar interest.
Ken

147 - When hurt--

When you feel hurt by what somebody says to you, remember their message is
about their selves and their unacknowledged feelings including shame, it is
not necessarily about you. Naming the shame allows it to move.
Ken

146 - Criticism is a signal

Feeling critical towards ourselves or others is likely a sign that our shame
has been triggered. We are not to blame and neither are they. We remain
responsible for ourselves, our behavior, our words, our feelings, our shame.
Ken

145 - Shame empathy/contagion

When we are in shame filled environments, this includes people with the
defense of shamelessness, we will empathically feel shame/shamed. Typically
we have imagined this meant there was something wrong with us. We then blamed
ourselves and/or others to no avail. Acknowledging, naming and sharing can help.
Ken

144 - Shame article

If you haven't read the shame article on my web site for a while I encourage
you to do so. Not much has changed with the article but it seems to help
people be more grounded in the big picture. Site address is kenlewiscounselor.net
Ken

143 - Responsibility vs blame

Many years ago I heard a man say that "Responsibility essentially means
response ability or the ability to respond". I had thought it meant that "it"
was my fault and I would blame myself or the other person etc.. Blaming
ourselves or others is one of the functions of shame, is always a tip that
shame is operating, and it is a barrier to our "ability to respond" and a
barrier to healing shame.
Ken

142 - Stepping toward more freedom

It is likely that the major portion of shame in our lives is unacknowledged,
internalized, carried shame. Every new piece we discover and share is a step
toward more freedom.
Ken

141 - Lack of support brings shame

Shame occurs when we are too alone with our experience. The solution is to
get more support of the kind we need.
Ken

140 - A healing tool

When you feel some shame remember to say (out loud if possible) "Right now I'm
feeling shame." This will allow the shame to move and diminish a little bit
at a time. There is a level of acceptance in this statement that shame
feelings need.
Ken

139 - Intimacy as support for healing/repair

Intimacy is the feeling that our "world inside" can be safely exposed and
explored. It includes what we need, what we feel as we talk to each other,
how your responses feel to me, what I imagine your internal state to be, etc..
When our shame memories and feelings come up we need to slow down, approach
them with care and respect and get more support.
Ken

138 - Healing shame and giving support

We need to share our shame with a person or people who can share their own similar shame or consciously access/feel their own shame. As listeners of shared shame it is so easy to distance ourselves from shame by trying to "fix" the other.
Ken

137 - Our need to nurture

As children we sometimes would want to be able to give nurturing to someone
rather than just receiving it ourselves. If these attempts were met with
rejection, ridicule, and shame then as an adult our need to nurture another
will be blocked by shame and fear of shame. This would likely be unconscious.
Ken

136 - How needs and emotions become bound in shame

When a child's primary caregivers are unable to notice, accept, and respond appropriately to any particular need or particular emotion of the child, normal shame helps a child pull back from the need or emotion as protection. If this happens often enough and/or is traumatic enough, the childs need or emotion becomes bound in shame and can be lost to the child.
Ken

135 - Externalizing shame feelings

It is useful to learn to discern the difference between shaming thoughts and shame feelings which are bodily sensations. It has been my experience that shame thoughts interfere with the externalization and healing of our shame feelings.
Ken

134 - Not guilty

If you and I had all the information on our selves, including all past
relationships and experiences that have helped to form who we are presently
and our genetic inheritances that have helped form us, we would conclude that
you and I are innocent. Responsible for ourselves and our behavior and not
guilty. And no-one to blame including ourselves.
Ken

133 - Some roles shame plays

Shame plays a significant role in depression and anxiety disorders,
relationship problems, addictions of all kinds including codependency,
bullying, all types of violence including sexual assault, suicide, delinquent
behaviors, and war. In order to heal shame it needs understanding, acceptance
and compassion.
Ken

132 - Shame woven through tapestry of life

In a sense shame is a silent epidemic. It is woven throughout our personal
and collective lives. It affects our self-esteem, self-confidence, self
acceptance, trust in ourselves as well as how we feel and think about others.
In beginning to identify, acknowledge and speak of shame we begin to take away
some of its power.
Ken

131 - Draining the shame "reservoir"

I visualize our internalized shame looking like a large reservoir inside us. When we are able to share these shame feelings with another and feel received by the other person the reservoir begins to drain. As it slowly drains we begin to experience the self-acceptance beneath the reservoir of shame.
Ken

Hi this is Ken. I'm starting to blog as well as sending individual emails. Let me know what you think.

Hi Ken,
let me know if you need any help with this.
i thought it would be cool for you to make a blog out of your emails.
liz