All strong feelings are, in a sense, contagious. One of the ways we take in or transfer shame is by sensing each others feelings tho usually without our knowing it. An example: Some years ago at a meeting I was attending regularly I noticed that when I spoke as part of the discussion two men that I particularly respected would drop their heads. This happened every week. I was mildly shamed by their heads dropping. It felt like a disconnection and with my conditioning I interpreted that action as a sign that they disliked me. This contributed to a feeling that I was not a valued part of that group. In speaking with them later to check out my interpretation it became clear that it wasn't a dislike of me. When I spoke I always felt some degree of old shame/shyness and when I would speak their turning away was because their shame was triggered by my shame and they automatically hid their faces. This would happen as naturally as our pulling away from a hot flame. No blame.
Peace,
Ken
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I know I pick up on other people's shame. I just never knew how to stop that. I try not to do that (transpfer shame back) when I am conscious of it, but it feels like I cannot stop that from happening. It feels like all I am doing is shaming myself and the person more. What to do about that?
ReplyDeleteHi Suzi Mac, Thanks for your note. If I understand your question correctly, I don't think we can stop picking up on others shame. We can however stop transferring it back to them by questioning our assumption that their verbal or nonverbal shame communication is about us. We can also begin to meet our shame as a "good enough parent" would. That is with some compassion.
ReplyDeleteThank you that helped. I forgot about parenting myself when this happens. Trying to practice compassion more.
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