169 - handout on Reducing Shame

Please find below this email a handout titled Reducing Shame which is given to people who complete the Breakthrough Program at the Caron
Foundation in Wernersville, PA. It was written by Ann Smith who runs that
program for adults raised in disfunctional families. There is quite alot of
useful info in the handout that could be used by anyone interested in shame
healing and repair. You may want to make a hard copy of it.
Ken


REDUCING SHAME: THE CHALLENGE OF LONG TERM RECOVERYAnn W. Smith M.S., LPC, LMFT
I. Shame the ACT, Shame the FEELING, shame the STATE OF BEING
The ACT of shaming
We have all shamed another person at one time or another. We have all experienced being shamed by someone. Usually it is an unconscious behavior, used as a defense, a protective devise to make the “shamer” feel superior to the victim. It is done through words and body language which convey disapproval, intolerance, disgust, rejection, or even loathing or hatred. It uses words such as “you should”, “you will never amount to anything”, “I’m ashamed of you”, “Get away from me”, “How could you be so stupid”, etc. It can be conveyed with simple facial expressions, or even silence. It is most damaging when the roles are unequal between parties, for example, when a parent or person in authority attacks a child or subordinate. It leaves the victim feeling powerless, “less than”, feeling like nothing, feeling bad abouthimself.
The FEELING of Shame
Shame is a normal feeling that will happen occasionally to all of us. It is similar to guilt but much deeper, and less easily identified because it’s source is unclear and abstract. Most of us are not even aware of it and do not have the language to describe it. People use words like “sick”, “devastated”, “bad”, “crushed”, “nothing” to describe the feeling. They oftenget depressed, withdrawn and silent in response, not knowing why, and not ableto identify what happened. The feeling of shame makes the victim want to hide, “go inside” and retreat from the world. They feel extremely vulnerable and unable to cope with further wounding. They often feel exposed, caught with their flaws showing and feel that the world now knows how truly “bad” they are. It is not necessarily because they actually did anything wrong (that would create guilt), rather it is because they have been disapproved of by someone who matters to them. Their withdrawal from the world actually makes the shame increase. The antidote is “coming out” with someone who is safe and working it through. The longer we are silent, the more it is internalized and we eventually forget the source entirely but keep the pain.
The STATE of Shame
When an individual has been shamed chronically, over long periods of time, they eventually believe what their shame has told them, “I AM BAD”. Self esteem is deeply damaged. A belief system is built around the core of their being that supports the fact of their being “damaged goods”. Their survival mechanism kicks in and builds defenses to protect the core from further trauma. Their mission is to not be caught with their flaws exposed ever again. The earlier in life the abuse begins, the more serious and lasting thedamage to the person’s identity. A “pseudo-self” is formed gradually to coverweaknesses and protect against further abuse. Some individuals will be very “good”, some will opt to attack first to feel safe. Underneath the facade, the feelings are the same whether defenses are pretty and pleasing , or ugly and repulsive. Addictions may be another way to self-medicate, reducing pain temporarily but eventually causing more shame and creating a cycle of dependency. People who live unconsciously in a “state of shame” become abusive to others through their projection of self-hate and their defenses. It appears in direct or subtle ways, at times simply through neglect, withdrawal or rejection of others. In this way, shame is passed from one generation to another.
II. Healing Unresolved Shame
A. Abstain from Compulsive behaviors which medicate pain and create shameB. Identify feelings as they surface. Your body reacts strongly to shame. Notice your language and your behavior when shame hits. Begin to identify it as soon as it begins. C. Confront issues causing the shame in healthy ways. Set boundaries, create distance if needed,express needs etc. D. Gradually change the environments which feed your shame. Develop strong healthy support systems, friends who care and respect you, a work place that is friendly and encouraging, nottoxic to self esteem. E. Work diligently on eliminating negative self-talk. It is toxic and damaging and must change for shame to heal. Use thought stopping, distraction, affirmation and your support system to do it. Shaming oneself is a difficult habit to break but essential to recovery. F. Learn not to shame others. Listen to and honor the limits of others. Find tactful, safe ways to communicate your needs. DO NO HARM to others.
III. Antidotes for a “Shame Attack” It takes many years to heal the deep shame that we hold. Shame attacks will happen without our having control. When they do, these tips may help to shorten the episode and to lessen it’s negative impact. A. Learn the art of “externalizing”. Shame is like a virus that attacks me.I can fight back. I am not my shame. B. Identify the “shame attack” quickly and name it. The longer it has a chance to take hold, the harder it is to fight back. Once it has taken hold, it is very difficult to reverse and may turn into days of isolation and depression. As soon as you know it. SAY IT! C. COME OUT! Don’t hide out away from people. Tell someone how you feel. Be with safe people who understand. Talk and you will probably begin to find the source. Don’t worry if you don’t. As you talk, the pain will shrink. D. Read helpful writings. Find things that have helped you before, such as affirmations, permission to let go, spiritual or inspiring things. Have on hand, books, prayer, quotes or passages that are soothing. Read them over andover instead of obsessing or analyzing what you did wrong or what you are upset about. E. Temporarily stay away from “trigger” people until your pain has passed. Any risky person is going to increase the pain. Don’t confront anyone, just express your feelings and save the serious discussions for later on. F. While in a “shame attack”, don’t trust your own thoughts. Your thoughts are probably all negative and very distorted by the pain. Try not to take yourself too seriously until the pain goes away. G. Postpone major decisions or responsibilities if possible until you are inbetter shape, usually just a day or two. Don’t act on the pain no matter how strongly you want to lash out. Healthy people don’t play “pay back” in their relationships. If you act out, you may create another problem you will have to undo later. H. Visualize yourself giving back any of the shame that does not belong to you. For example, in your mind return negative messages to those who gave them to you (parents, partners, boss etc.) Ask yourself honestly, “which partof the criticism do I need to own?” Shrink it down into a manageable size and give the rest back. The worst criticism is usually partly true. I. Put all of your energy into self-caring until you feel able to get back to life. Take walks, pray, breathe, exercise, buy yourself flowers, get a massage etc. J. Once the shame has lifted, notice your patterns and your progress. Ask yourself, “How did I get into this?, What was helpful or not?, Who or what made it worse?, Did I get over it faster than the last time?”With consistent practice, the episodes will be less and less frequent and you will be able to stop them within hours or even minutes.