265 - A form of self-support

One way to support ourselves when we are feeling shame is to remember what support felt like in our bodies in the past when we have felt supported by someone's understanding, acceptance and compassion and replicate that feeling now.
Peace,
Ken

http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net/

264 - shame/judgment

When we judge someone it is our self-hate/shame being projected outwards towards others. Then our shame beats us up for judging someone. No blame.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

Taking time off

Hi folks, I'm taking a few days off, without a computer, so these emails will resume on 9-28 or 9-29. Thank you for your interest. Just a reminder that all the emails from March 09 on is stored on the blog listed below if you would care to review some.
Peace,
Ken
www.kenlewiscounselor.net

263 - Challenging shaming thoughts

I encourage you to replace the voice of shame messages, when they come up, with messages containing some degree of understanding, acceptance and compassion. Changing our brains with positive messages and positive relationships is a way to change our minds about ourselves and others. Challenge the shaming thoughts when possible.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

262 - Meditation

Meditation can be useful in healing shame by its quieting effect and allowing us to slow down to notice the voice of shame with its negative messages. Of course, meditation is also helpful in any spiritual practice you pursue. Sitting for ten minutes and gradually lengthening it to twenty minutes per day can be a good support for your healing. This is a tool not a whip so don't beat yourself with it.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

261 - Resensitization in the healing process

Growing up in a painful family and culture required alot of us to become desensitized to our feelings/sensations as a way of surviving. It's useful for us to learn how to sense our physical and emotional sensations in our bodies and also how to name them. Having a feelings list available can help in learning how to know more about our feelings and therefore know more about our wants and needs.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

260 - Shame awareness

When we compare ourselves to others, either better than or less than, it means that we are feeling shame and it is usually unconscious. Becoming more aware of our shame brings opportunities to feel it, share it and heal it a little at a time.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

259 - No-one to blame including ourselves

If you and I had all the information on ourselves, including all past relationships and experiences that have contributed to who we are today, and our genetic influences that have helped form who we are today, we would conclude that you and I are innocent. We are still responsible for ourselves, our behavior and our feelings just not guilty. And no-one to blame including ourselves.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

258 - Shame and intimacy

Intimacy is the feeling that our "world inside" can be safely exposed and explored। It includes what we need, what we feel as we talk to each other, how your responses feel to me, what I imagine your internal state to be, etc॥ When our shame memories and feelings come up we need to slow down, approach them with care and respect and get the right kind of support.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

257 - Criticism is a sign of shame

Feeling critical towards ourselves or others is a sign that our shame has been triggered. We are not to blame and neither are they. We are still responsible for ourselves, our behavior, our words, our feelings and our shame.
Peace,
Ken

http://www.kenlewiscounselor.net/

256 - A common shame

All strong feelings are, in a sense, contagious. One of the ways we take in or transfer shame is by sensing each others feelings tho usually without our knowing it. An example: Some years ago at a meeting I was attending regularly I noticed that when I spoke as part of the discussion two men that I particularly respected would drop their heads. This happened every week. I was mildly shamed by their heads dropping. It felt like a disconnection and with my conditioning I interpreted that action as a sign that they disliked me. This contributed to a feeling that I was not a valued part of that group. In speaking with them later to check out my interpretation it became clear that it wasn't a dislike of me. When I spoke I always felt some degree of old shame/shyness and when I would speak their turning away was because their shame was triggered by my shame and they automatically hid their faces. This would happen as naturally as our pulling away from a hot flame. No blame.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

255 - Variants of shame

Gershen Kaufman writes "Whenever we feel any of the following variants of shame it means we are feeling shame. Shyness, embarassment, chagrin, humiliation, guilt, low self-esteem, feeling ridiculous, sheepishness, discomfort, disconcertedness, abasement, disgrace, ignominy, dishonor, mortification, degradation, self-consciousness, disappointment, discouragement, feeling "lousy" or "funny".

Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

254 - Which voice is it? #2

Whether the voice you are hearing is in your head or it is another person's voice, if it is speaking to you and about you in an understanding, accepting, and compassionate way, it is the voice of love and compassion. You can believe it.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

253 - Which voice is it? #1

Whether the voice you are hearing is in your head or is another persons voice, if it is speaking to you in a critical or judgmental way, it is the corrosive, lying, soul-killing, life-robbing voice of shame. Don't believe it. Please.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

252 - Anger as an avoidance mechanism.

Anger is a secondary emotion. It is sometimes an important emotion/energy we can use to protect ourselves and our loved ones when we need to do that. More often than not however, our anger hides the primary emotions of shame, fear, or sadness or some combination of those feelings. Often we unconsciously avoid feeling these primary emotions by going to anger. When we feel angry we can slow ourselves down and look at what emotion may be driving the anger, giving ourselves the opportunity to do some healing.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net

251 - We must feel it to heal it.

For a low or moderate level of shame I suggest you say "Right now I'm feeling shame." in order to diminish the shame some. By feeling, acknowledging and accepting the shame a little healing will have taken place. Every bit of shame we experience today, although painful, is another opportunity to heal some more. And it doesn't mean there is something wrong with you.
Peace,
Ken

www.kenlewiscounselor.net